


From the Ashes

by CamiWeaver



Series: From the Ashes [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clarke's POV, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2019-09-24 09:54:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 38,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17098400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CamiWeaver/pseuds/CamiWeaver
Summary: Finn is gone for a few years now, and Clarke finally decides to move and start over with her gang in the Alps.New job, new school for Aden, new challenges and hey, maybe Clarke is ready to be really back in the game?If her last night in the city is any indication, she might be on the way .





	1. Chapter 1

My story wasn’t happy, at least I don’t think it gets better from now on. Because I had it all, and maybe, just maybe it was too perfect to last forever.

Finn was gone, and I was still grateful for the time we had. His siblings were my family, and I know I couldn’t have coped without them.

It has been four years, but they managed to settle everything at Skyline, the ski resort that opened last season under the name Finn picked for it. Lincoln spent the entire season down there, while Anya tried to work as much as possible from London, no matter how much I told her she could just go. 

But the commuting is over now, as I finally gave in and agreed to move to Austria with them. I knew the only reason they kept moving was not to leave me and Aden behind, but I still wanted to see, that the resort is working, that it is safe to leave our settled life and start over.

“Common, Clarke! We have to go, the U-haul won’t drive itself to the tunnel!” – yelled Raven from downstairs.

I would have never guessed that Finn’s tech-genius team mate, Birdie will be so big part of our lives, but as fate goes, I guess it can get a little unpredictable. Birdie was the only team member that was bold enough to openly come and talk to us on Finn’s funeral. Apparently, they were not allowed to reveal themselves, even in such circumstances, but Birdie simply flipped them off and quit.

And now she was back to her real name, Raven Reyes, and she was also the live-in girlfriend of Anya. That part still made me smile.

I grumbled, and looked around the place one last time before closing the door on all the memories that the place held ever since moving there a few month before Aden’s birth.

“You okay?” – Raven asked softly when I finally closed the car door.

“I will be.” – was all I could master, while my throat got tighter as I fought the tears from falling.

***

I was glad Lincoln already set up Aden’s room, so I didn’t have to worry about our crappy drive down there taking too long. We barely made it to the house when Anya called that they landed. I was grateful for Aunt Anya, and her offer to take Aden a few days after we left, and fly down smoothly with him. The week he spent with her was enough for packing, and driving all our stuff as well as getting my head around moving across the continent, and starting a new life, where I was not constantly reminded of Finn.

I was pretty tired of hearing Raven’s “you need to get laid” comments every time I got upset or serious about something. Not that I tried, but it felt wrong bringing anyone into the apartment I once shared with the father of my baby boy.

“Mommy!!!” – I heard from across the patch of greenery in front of the house, and saw Aden sprint through it with a smile that reached his ears and his FBI teddy bear’s throat in his tiny fist. I cannot remember how many times we had to re-stitch the bear’s head because Aden refused to hold him any other way than by the neck.

“Are we really gonna live here now?” – he asked with wide eyes.

“Yes, baby. We are. Do you want to see your new room?” – I was very much hoping that he didn’t take the move too hard.

“YESSS! Can Rae come with us too?” 

Raven just grinned behind him. They had some special bond that none of us could explain, and Raven would not shut up that she was Aden’s favourite aunt driving Anya crazy.

“Sure she can” – was all I said, sending an eyeroll to Raven.

***

We settled in pretty quickly, Aden enjoyed the summer with the kids in the resort, Lincoln and his girlfriend, Octavia, that he met over the first season and who was now hired as one of the instructors.

In the meantime I kept working. Transferring from our London office seemed like a good idea, but the small office in Arkadia was under a lot of pressure. Resources run low, and while they were thrilled to have a biomedical consultant voluntarily joining their team, they piled up way too much work for one person to handle.

By the end of the summer I was drowning, and on top of all the things, they sent me for a 3 day conference to the city nearby. I was tired stressed, and angry that yet again, I had to leave Aden with Anya and Raven (who were simply great at all-time babysitting).

The last day of the conference run extremely late, and Anya managed to convince me not to drive home so late, especially when the company was happy to pay one more night at my hotel. So I decided to do something that was very unlike me, and go out into the night and have a drink.

I found a bar big enough that I hoped people would just pass me by, but I was still approached by a few guys for a chat or a drink.

I politely turned all of them down, and asked for a few refills already, when I caught someone watching me. When she realised that I saw her she gave me an easy smile and walked over.

“Hi!” – she said softly, and I sortof froze. 

The woman was gorgeous; long, chestnut hair in a neat bun, sharp cheekbones, full, plum lips wearing a sleeveless black dress and high heels. She was carrying a very official-looking navy blazer. But what rendered me momentarily speechless was the deep, forest green eyes that stared back at me.

“May I sit?” – she asked with a hint of amusement.

“Sure.” – was all I could muster, and I was wondering how the hell could I turn down all those guys so effortlessly, if I cannot even put a decent sentence together under the gaze of this woman.

“I am Lexa.” – she introduced herself, and extended her right to me.

I shook it hesitantly, still looking for my control over my mouth.

“And you are?”

The smirk on her face was nearing a smile by now.

“Clarke. I’m Clarke Griffin.” 

And it was the first time in years that I did not feel like I was betraying Finn by not taking his name after he died.

Lexa was interesting in everything possible. But she seemed just as curious about me. We quickly developed our own little bubble with our flowing conversation and continuous refills.

The next thing I knew was that we were walking side by side towards my hotel, and I didn’t want it to end. 

“This is me.” – I said weakly by the entrance, suddenly just as nervous as the moment she approached me.

“I had a lovely night” – said Lexa. “Thank you!”

She was clearly saying goodbye and just as she was about to give me a hug, my mouth run away without my permission.

“Would you like to come up?”

She tilted her head slightly, and for a second I wondered if I really said those words, but then she nodded, her face unreadable.

She followed me to the elevator, and then to my suit in silence. I opened the door and quickly got out of my coat and started towards the little kitchen.

“Wine?”

“Yes.” – she answered and followed me after taking off her coat and heels as well.

I poured two glasses of wine for us and handed one of them to her. She seemed to be deep in though and when she finally looked up, there was something in her eyes that made my heart beat faster.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” – she asked, her voice full of concern.

“You mean a glass of wine?” – I tried to play dumb, mainly because I wasn’t sure I actually had the strength to follow through with what popped into my mind when she was ready to walk away.

She took a few steady stepps to stand right in front of me, leaving her glass on the counter.

“You know what I mean.” – her voice was suddenly deep and husky, and it sent shivers down my spine.

I gulped staring into those eyes that were now almost fully blown, leaving just a tiny ring of the green I could get lost in. She waited for my response, but I was sure I cannot form words any more, so instead I shakily placed my glass next to me and hesitantly placed my hands on her hips.

I wanted her, and it scared me shitless. I haven’t even really thought about anything like this in years, and now I felt like a horny teenager going home with her crush after prom.

She only waited another second before she brought her lips to mine softly, but none of us expected the fire that burned up in the instant our bodies touched. The soft touching of lips was quickly replaced by open mouth kisses, tongue and teeth and wandering hands. 

Lexa was pressing me up against the counter but all I could feel that she was still not close enough. Before I even realised what my hands were doing, they unzipped her dress and it pooled by her feet leaving her in her black, lacy underwear. She stopped for a second that only allowed me to get a better look at her toned body, flat abs, and gorgeous lean curves. I am not sure what she saw in my expression, but suddenly her hands were back on me, ridding me of my blouse and pants in record time, revealing my red – accidentally matching – underwear.

“Bed?” – she asked just as her lips were grazing my ears and she continued down my neck making it really difficult to answer.

In the end, not trusting my voice, I just directed her towards the bedroom, as she kept kissing my collarbone and slowly descending towards the swell of my breasts. Her hands expertly undid my bra, and she let it fall from between us so she could take one of my nipples between her lips and I wasn’t sure if I could make it as far as the bed.

She seemed to guess that, as she slowly came up for more kisses and by the time we reached the bed it felt more like she was guiding me, and not the other way around.

When my knees hit the mattress they instantly gave in and I pulled her down with me. Her hands were already on a set route south.

“Slowly” – the plea fell from my lips so quietly, I wasn’t even sure I said it, but her hands slowed immediately, and changed direction.

She massaged my left boob slowly, while sucking on my pulse point and I was almost spinning, barely noticing her tight making its way between my legs. At first she started rocking slowly and softly, and the sensation felt like nothing before. 

My body was on fire and Lexa felt like heaven. I grew bolder and managed to get her out of her bra as well. As if on cue she positioned herself on top of me, and slowly put more pressure on my heaving body. My breath got caught in my through when I felt our breast touching, while her hands pressed mine above my head.

To make sure I get the point, she guided my hands to hold the frame above my head and slowly started to kiss down my neck, my collarbone, along the valley between my breasts towards my naval and I felt heat pool between my legs even more (if that was still possible).

With a questioning look she asked permission to continue, and she slid my drenched underwear down my legs. She softly pushed my legs apart and settled between them.

For a brief second I wondered if it would be embarrassing if I came just as she touched me, but when her tongue slowly grazed my center all thoughts were completely gone, and I could not concentrate on anything any more.

***

The morning came with sourness all over my body. Lexa brought out a side of me I didn’t even know existed. I was waking up with a soft smile, memories still fresh and with no regrets at all, which surprised me.

I didn’t expect her to be there when I woke, but it felt nice to find a note on the bedside table.

“You deserve one more shot!”

I laughed out loud, as I remembered how she refused to hear my story and kept repeating no matter what, everyone deserved a shot. The bartender agreed, and from then on we ordered our refills with that line.

I packed up and got in my car to drive home to my little family, actually believing that maybe I was done mourning and maybe, just maybe I did deserve another shot at giving Aden a happy family.


	2. School is on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old-new companion is showing up with fashion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! :)

By the time I drove home there was only a hint of excitement left from the eventful night, all the rest was replaced by frustration and my general tiredness also started to kick in.

That momentarily made me blush as I was parking in front of the house, knowing very well why I wanted a nap after lunch.

“Hey! How was the conference?” – Anya greeted me from the kitchen. 

“That bad, huh?” – grinned Raven after looking me up and down.

I knew I didn’t look very impressive, my hair was up in a messy bun, there was probably still some smudged mascara around my eyes from yesterday – even the quick shower didn’t help there - , I had one of Finn’s baggier hoodies on that I kept in the car mainly for emergencies, and, in this case for having something comfy to drive in on a Saturday morning. Frankly, I was so nervous that Raven would see right through me regarding my activities last night, that I haven’t realised how easy my tired, dishevelled appearance can be misunderstood. It slowly sank in that my friends’ concern about working too much and too hard might actually be well-placed.

Then again, Raven might have actually given up on my love-life, she just liked teasing about it from time to time. I had to realise she didn’t really believe that a time can come when I announce that I met someone. I smiled at that thought, as I really didn’t feel like discussing my one night stand right now.

“It went fine, but I really need a nap soon. Where is Aden?” – I wanted to change the subject as fast as possible.

“He is out back planting something with Linc and O.”

I was out of the house quickly, but I still caught Anya and Raven exchange a weird look. I knew I was behaving strange, normally I would just go on a rant about the conference or some dumb speaker, who bored me out of my mind.

***

In the evening I sent the girls out for dinner. I owed them a lot of babysitting by now, and I wanted to have my little man to myself after three days of no-Aden. 

We set up some puzzles in front of the fireplace, had dinner sitting on the soft rug while listening to the soundtrack of Frozen, something that, again, Raven got Aden hooked on. 

He was all chatty and happy, and I was finally relaxing. He loved our new home, made some new friends and all in all, enjoyed living in the mountains. 

After a short bedtime story, he was out like a light and I had the place to myself for the very first time since we moved. I ended up with a photo album in front of the fireplace looking through our happy memories back in London. Aden’s first photo with me and Finn, the proud auntie and uncle gingerly holding the tiny blond baby, funny clothes, Finn making Aden giggle, up until the photo that always teared me up. 

Aden’s first birthday.

He had the cake we pick out together with Finn in front of him, and he was just watching the single, tiny flame on his candle. None of the adults wanted to be in the first picture, not wanting the sad faces to serve as reminders of the man who never made it to his son’s first birthday.

I was just sitting there, and for a second I was surprised that even though sadness washed over me, it felt tired. I didn’t feel like weeping, I rather turned the page back to a laughing Finn and Aden, and remembered that day instead.

He would have wanted me to remember that time and not cry over him forever.

I got up, and went to take a long bubble bath, soaking in the hot water and feeling proud of myself for taking a chance and going out the night before. I almost laughed out loud thinking how happy a normally meaningless one-night stand made me. But it was a big step and for once I was glad I had those memories just for myself. Knowing that I can at least try to move on.

Getting dressed I giggled when I found a little mark on my left boob, and I was grateful that Lexa didn’t decide to put that mark somewhere more visible. 

***

The last week of the summer break rolled quickly and the next thing I knew was rushing along the supermarket, getting the last things for Aden to start his first year in pre-school.

Of course my work was, once again, not cooperative at all, dropping some very important clients on my back for that very week I was so looking forward to. I wanted to bring Aden to school the first day, meet his teacher, and of course, pick him up and hear all the stories first hand. Instead, it all went to mainly Linc and O, as I was at work from 7 to 5 each day, trying to convince the clients to sing with us instead of another competitor. The only reason I even went along with it was, that if they signed, I would get a new set of hands on deck that I could share my workload with. 

Anya and Raven, of course were on a little trip, as we all thought that I could take it easy and spend more time with Aden during this week.

In the evenings I still heard a lot about Miss Woods, who according to Aden was amazing and even Link and O sang praises of the young woman, who seemed almost too cool to be teaching pre-schoolers. I read the names of the teachers of course, and sent a greeting card with Lincoln for the first day, asking her, if it was possible to have a small conversation about Aden and the school on Monday afternoon to catch up on what I might miss in the first week.

The neat, handwritten note came right back with Aden the same day, agreeing to the meeting and wishing me a successful week.

“Hey, Blondie!” – shouted in Raven from the front door. – “We got news!”

“Hello to you too! Nice to hear your trip went so well. Why don’t you show me those photos you made?” – I mocked back as the women still in her jacket finally came into view.

“Yeah yeah! It was great.” – she said quickly. – “BUT! Guess who is coming to dinner tomorrow?”

“I don’t know?” – I said with a smile.

“Alex.” – it was Anya who answered as she dropped two huge suitcases on the floor. – “Thanks for all the chivalry, Rae!” – she grumbled as she tried to get some circulation back to her fingers.

“So, how come Alex is around and allowed to meet people?” – I asked.

“Well, she quit. Actually she quit like two years ago, and she moved to the area just this week.” – said Raven, a little sadness in her eyes.

“Why did she quit?” – I wondered – Alex was a women, now I knew.

I knew Raven quit back in the day because she hated the impersonal approach that surrounded Finn’s death. He wasn’t in their team any more, but they went through training together, and she wanted to personally come and say something to his family, and thank them for Finn. He got her out alive a few years before from a risky situation, and it is him and Alex she had to thank for that she did not only survive, but also could keep her leg – even if it was in a brace for life.

“They lost my replacement on a mission.” – said Raven quietly. – "They did some cover mission, and the girl was found out. By the time Alex got there, she was dead. It take a toll on most of them, but for Alex, it was the last straw. She was struggling with the Bureau already when I left, “ – she still so tactfully avoided talking about Finn, when ever she could. – “but Costia was too much. She went off the grid for the last two years and gave me a call yesterday, asking if we ever got the resort up and running.”

I was kind of curious of the woman I heard so much about. She sounded extremely tough and loyal, I wondered what was it about Costia that finally got to her.

***

Friday came, and my clients finally left, so I was home just before Anya got in with Aden, happily bouncing over to me.

“You won’t believe who Aden’s favourite new teacher is!” – came Anya’s voice from the door, while she was hanging Aden’s bag and coat that my little man so graciously dropped as soon as he stepped over the threshold.

I hated that by now, all of them met Miss Woods, but I put up a small questioning smile, hiding my disappointment. It wasn’t their fault after all.

“It’s Alex!” – exclaimed Aden, like he knew who Alex was.

Surprise was my firth thought, that quickly turned into concern. I heard a lot about Miss Woods over the week from Lincoln, O and Aden and she sounded wonderful, but I couldn’t help wonder about this new revelation. Alex always sounded admirable, but dangerous and simply not someone you wanted your five-year old to hang around much. 

Now I couldn’t wait for this woman to arrive for dinner. I needed to see her for myself, and maybe drill her a little to be able to ease my mind about ‘the commander’ who led so many victorious missions against high level criminals.

Raven seemed ecstatic about her old friend finally returning to her now civil life. She was practically bouncing around with Aden in tow, and they had to be ordered to keep to the living room so that me and Anya could set the table and ready the dinner by the time Linc, O and the infamous Alex arrived.

I was a little distracted, as my mind constantly replayed all the stories I heard about Alex, and tried to match the woman to the stories about Miss Alexandria Woods, the sweet and awesome pre-school teacher. I barely nodded to O and quickly thanked the wine that Lincoln handed over before they joined the little duo on the living room carpet when the doorbell rang.

“I got it!” – I yelled, although the only person actually hearing me was Anya, who was halfway through cutting stuff for the salad and just nodded.

I prepared a little welcome speech for Alex, trying not to corner her from moment one, and started on it immediately as I was opening the door.

“Alex! Hi! I heard so many wonderful things…” – I trailed off as I took in the tall woman with high cheekbones and forest green eyes staring rather shocked at me.

“Clarke?”

“Lexa.” – I breathed. – “You are Alex? Miss Woods?”

I was almost spinning, barely believing that my little secret, Aden’s perfect teacher and the dangerous Alex was the same person.

She nodded briefly.

“You are Aden’s mom? Aden Collins?”

And it hit me; I wrote her, but I just signed as Aden Collins’ mom.

We stared at each other for a few more seconds before Aden showed up with a happy “Hi, Miss Woods!” and dragged us to the living room.

It was going to be a long evening.


	3. You should have known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's identity does not help Clarke's mood during the dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, let me know what you think :)

Aden was overly excited to have Miss Woods over, and Raven did not help to calm my boy to a decent level; she was too occupied with the fact that one of her two best friends was at least back in her life. I didn’t blame her, knowing how much loosing Finn hurt her I was happy for Alex, I mean Lexa’s return.

I was also glad that I got to retreat to the kitchen and busy myself with the food, so I could attempt to sort out my fuzzy thoughts.

Alex and Birdie were Finn’s favourite people in the world, even more than his siblings and I knew it killed him not to have them both involved in his private life. After he got shot, he had a new level of cheekiness just because Raven got to step by our place sometimes, even if briefly. I cannot imagine what it would have meant for him to have them both over for a dinner with his family.

“Clarke?!” – I heard from behind me from Anya in a tone that suggested that she has been trying to get my attention for a while.

“Yeah?”

“Where did you go? You totally phased out.”

“Nowhere.” – I answered a little too quickly. – “What did you need?”

She furrowed her brow, but let it go.

“I was just wondering if you wanted the potatoes in a smoky brown colour or complete black?”

She nodded towards the oven where my master-potatoes were already catching a little too much colour.

“Oh, shit! I completely forgot!” – I grabbed the oven door with too much force but my hands were still soapy from the dishwashing liquid so the handle slipped and the door smashed back up with a loud sound.

“Hey! I got it, I got it!” 

Anya pushed me gently out of the way, her smirking face turning into concerned. I really had to get my head in the game tonight so I survived the day.

We finally made it to the dinning table and I was grateful for Raven’s easy chattering. All my plans of drilling ‘Alex’ and figuring out what kind of a person I hand my son over to on a daily basis went out the window. All I could think of was just how messed up this is.

Lexa seemed to be just as happy with having Raven around, and she was really sweet with Aden.

“So Aden?” – Lexa turned to him. – “You have been talking about this great bear that you got. Do you think I get to meet him after dinner?”

“I can bring him now!” – he answered happily and he was almost out of his seat when he caught my eye.

I barely managed to school my expression to a blank one after Lexa brought up the bear Finn got him when he was born.

“Can I go and get him, Mom?”

“After dinner, Aden!” – my voice was way too serious but I couldn’t help it.

He didn’t seem to mind it too much, he was usually not allowed to leave the table until he was done, but I got a side-eye from both Anya and Raven for the tone.

“He is an FBI agent.” – continued Aden and he was still grinning at Lexa. – “I got it from my Dad when I was very little. He was also working in the FBI.” – he said proudly.

“I know.” – said Lexa quietly, but Aden caught it and his eyes went wide.

“You knew my dad?”

I felt a pang in my chest while Lexa nodded and for a brief second she caught my eye, for the first time since she walked into the house. Her expression was probably mirroring mine: full of guilt.

And that was the trigger. It woke an irrational anger in my heart for the woman in front of me. I could channel all my guilt and confusion into that feeling, regardless of how unfair it was to blame her for everything.

Before she could answer I rose and cut in.

“Who wants dessert?” – I said loudly.

Lexa seemed to get the message and dismissed the question with a polite “I would like some, thank you”, and I almost run to the kitchen. I knew I will hear of it sooner or later and I was not wrong, Raven was on my heel before I reached the fridge.

“What is wrong with you?” – she demanded.

“I don’t want her to talk about Finn to Aden.” – I fired back, lying of course. It was my own conscious that could not handle talking about Finn.

“Why? You don’t mind if I do.”

“That is different, I trust you.”

Raven was dumbstruck, I was never this hostile. I didn’t even wait for her to recover not only from my words but my ice-cold expression as well and marched out with the tiramisu.

***

The dinner went down without any further issues aside from the questioning looks from my family.

“Aden! It is time for bed!” – I announced, happy that I had an excuse to go upstairs with him for a while.

“But Mooom! Can I just stay up until Miss Woods is here?” – he tried his puppy face, but this time without luck.

“No! You can finish that one game, but after that it is bedtime.” – I said firmly, but at least I managed to sound my usual self again.

Soon he said his goodbyes to everyone and as I lifted him up he already curled into me. It took barely any time for him to fall asleep, not even halfway into his bedtime story, and for once I wished he lasted to ask for just one more tale.

I closed his door quietly, only to find the upstairs bathroom door slightly ajar with the light on. I peeked in and found Lexa with two hands grabbing the sink gazing into the mirror. It seemed like she came in to splash some water on her face.

“You okay?” – I asked hesitantly, breaking her out of whatever was going on in her mind.

“Yeah, I am fine.” – she turned to me.

“Why are you up here?” – I asked not too friendly.

“Raven told me I can find the bathroom here.” – she answered a little confused.

“There is one downstairs.”

“I didn’t know.” – she didn’t break eye-contact and I felt my anger raise, simply because I could feel she still had an effect on me. – “I have the feeling that you don’t want me here.” – she continued searching my face for confirmation.

I snapped.

“Of course I don’t! I don’t even know how you dare to come here and play all nice, like you haven’t done anything wrong.” – I tried to keep my voice down, but I was struggling.

She didn’t fight me, she seemed devastated actually.

“I didn’t know.” – came a bare whisper.

“And you want me to believe that?” – I knew we never met, but I knew Finn talked about us. it was almost 5 years ago though.

“I knew you existed, of course I knew. Maybe he even mentioned your name some time.” – she started pacing in the small room. – “But he had a few girlfriends throughout the years, and most of them were not around too long. You cannot blame me for not keeping track.”

“I was not one of his conquests, and you know it. We have a child together for God’s sake!”

“Yes! I know that!” – she was also getting frustrated. – “And soon after we found that out you made him leave the team, and work from behind the desk. I barely saw him twice after that, and excuse me if I was more concentrating on whether he was happy, and if his kid was doing well than memorise your name!”

With all the truth in her words, it was still a low blow. She held it against me that Finn decided to take a safer position.

“You blame me for wanting my son to have a father? Not to have to worry if he came home?” – I knew this was heading towards a full blown, heated argument with a woman I was supposed to meet for the very first time.

“Yeah, well, look how that turned out!” – she said darkly.

For a second I didn’t even know what to say. She was pushing all my buttons and it seemed she wasn’t even trying.

Before I could retort Raven peeked into the bathroom.

“Everything is okay here? Why are you guys still up here?”

Her expression made it clear she didn’t hear the conversation, but I was sure our voices carried downstairs.

“We will be there in a second.” – I told her and I was grateful that she wasn’t being difficult about it for once.

After Raven closed the door a heavy silence settled on the small room. None of us wanted to continue the argument – it was neither the place, nor the time for it.

“You should have known who I was.” – I said quietly, almost defeated.

“I wish I did.” – she sounded more honest than ever. – “I would have thought you were a Collins by now.”

“I thought I would have been too.” – I admitted.

With a shaky ceasefire-kind of attitude we joined the others, and soon after, Lexa left, leaving some space for me to fight my own demons instead of fighting her.


	4. I am trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A calmer chapter this time

The weekend was going slow and fast at the same time. I had to keep busy otherwise my head started spinning. I could tell both Raven and Anya waited for an explanation of the night before; maybe they didn’t hear the words, but they could tell how ‘friendly’ my little talk was with Lexa in the bathroom. I also knew that, especially Raven, will not wait for long.

I was picking up Aden’s toys in the living room while he was taking his afternoon nap when Raven decided it was time to talk.

“You got a minute?” – she asked as she popped down onto the couch.

“Sure.” – I said hesitantly; I had a good guess what she wanted.

“Why do you hate her?”

Her voice was not accusative, which surprised me, but it was confused and sad. It was her best friend we were talking about, and I didn’t exactly have any known reason to act like this.

“I don’t hate her.” – I said as I sat down beside her. – “I just don’t trust her.”

I knew it was the same excuse I used the night before, but I didn’t manage to come up with anything better overnight.

“Why?” – Raven was struggling to understand. 

“I don’t know her, Rae. All I know is just how dangerous she can be.”

“That is all you knew about me too. Yet, I don’t remember a time when you didn’t trust me.”

She was right. Because Finn trusted her, I did too. It was that easy. And truth be told, I didn’t exactly mistrust Lexa, I just didn’t trust myself with her around. My guilt was killing me, and trying to keep her out of our lives seemed the easiest and most feasible thing to do. For me. For Raven, that was obviously a no-go; she just got her best friend back.

“Finn was still around to help me trust you.” – that was only a half lie; he didn’t need to put in too much effort to make me trust Raven. 

“Then let me help you trust her.” – insisted Raven.

Her expression was so full of hope that I could simply not deny her this. So I nodded and watched her smile replace the frown she was wearing since the dinner. 

She bounced out of the living room, passing by Anya and pressing a quick, happy kiss on her lips.

Anya didn’t smile. She looked me in the eye dead serious.

“You are keeping something from us.” – she stated with no doubt.

“Why do you say that?” – I really had to control my voice from shaking, she was _my_ best friend after all. She probably knew me better that I knew myself.

“I know you, Clarkey.” – she gave me a sad smile. – “I hope you know you can tell me anything.”

It killed me because she knew I was lying. But right now, telling her what I did was terrifying. I betrayed her baby brother in the worst way, and I was scared how she would react.

“I know.” – I whispered. – “I’m just not ready.”

She nodded, and some sort of relief washed through her expression, because at least, I was not denying something was going on. And she could wait.

***

Monday rolled around, and yet again, I was dreading the day. Because no matter what, Lexa was still Aden’s teacher, and with all the revelations I didn’t get to talk about school with her or prepare for the little meeting we agreed to have back then, when I didn’t know who she was.

Anya came with me to pick up Aden and take him home while I stayed to talk to Lexa. The whole drive to the school was quiet, I could tell Anya was deep in thought, and I was too nervous to start any kind of small-talk.

Kids were pooling out of the door with Lexa calling out their names when their parents showed up. Again, she looked pretty damn hot for a pre-school teacher. I shook my head quickly, that was really not the kind of thought I wanted to have right now.

“Aden! Your mom and Anya are here.”

Within seconds Aden raced through the door with a quick ‘Bye, Miss Woods!’ thrown over his shoulder, and jumped into Anya’s embrace.

“Look, we painted our families today!”

He was waving a water-coloured painting, making us both look at it. 

“This is me,” – he started – “and Mommy, and Auntie Rae and Anya, and Lincoln, and O, and here is Daddy.” – he pointed out all of us and I couldn’t help but smile.

He never left Finn out, even though he could not remember him at all.

“It is beautiful, baby!”

I stroke his head fondly.

“Now go with Auntie Anya, I have to talk to Miss Woods a little.”

I watch them get in the car and turned towards the school.

“Hey!” – I said hesitantly to Lexa.

“Hi!” – came the soft reply. – “Do you mind waiting a little, I still have a few kids to hand over.”

I didn’t mind, it gave me some more time to calm my racing heart. I didn’t want to argue again, I just wanted to get this over with.

While I waited I watched Lexa interact with the children and parents, and I caught myself smiling; she was a natural, and a huge contrast to the image I had about Alex based on the stories.

When the last kid was gone, she escorted me towards their classroom.

“I need to get some papers about Aden real quick, feel free to look around the classroom.” – she said and left.

The room was decorated with everything the kids made during their first week from paintings and drawings to some pottery-looking mushes of clay.

“We can start if you would like.” – came from behind me making my heart jump out of my chest; I didn’t hear her footsteps when she got back.

“Jesus! How did you get back so quietly?! – I huffed massaging my heart.

“Sorry! I’ve been told I am hard to hear.” – she smirked and my heart jumped for an entirely different reason.

She walked me to one of the double desks instead of her teacher desk, and took a seat next to me, spreading all kinds of papers that Aden worked on the previous week.

She started out telling me how the week went, so I can ask my questions afterwards. I was happy to hear that Aden was a good kid, and enjoyed the different tasks they got. I was proudly taking in all the information about my baby boy, barely noticing just how much attention I took on the person delivering the stories.

I had to really pay attention so that my mind didn’t wander, as I took drawing and painting after each other that Lexa handed me. For a brief second my thoughts flew back to my hotel room, those exact fingers tracing my body.

I snapped my head back up to her face, and I could feel heat rising up my neck. I probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Is everything okay?” – she asked concerned, surprised by the sudden movement and my expression.

“Yeah, of course, everything is fine. I just didn’t hear the last thing you said.” – I lied, but I had the feeling she wasn’t fooled.

“I just said that Aden is a very bright and curious little boy, and I asked if you had any questions.”

I was planning to bring up all the questions I wanted to address her during the failed dinner, but now I just wanted to get out of here.

“No, I don’t have any!” – I said, and I could see confusion in her eyes; most parents literally had to be kicked out here after series and series of questions that sometimes seemed more like interrogation.

Instead of voicing it she just nodded, and gathered her papers. She walked me to the door, but I guess her determination lasted only this far.

“Clarke?” – she started grabbing my hand before I walked through the door; her hand burning my skin where they touched. – “I just wanted to say that I am sorry about the way I behaved Friday.” – she said, not letting go of my hand. – “I don’t blame you for asking Finn to take a safer job. I would have done the same.”

I didn’t dare to look at her – she was way too close – so I kept staring our hands, but the apology surprised me, she wasn’t hesitant, and she got straight to the point.

I slowly lifted my eyes to hers so she can see how much I meant it.

“Thank you! I am also sorry. It is just so much easier to be angry with you, than myself. I am working on it.”

I was. I knew that it took two to tango, and part of me believed her that she didn’t know who I was. But the other part was still furious that the one person that had any effect on me at all over the past years had to be her.

She nodded, and I could feel myself getting lost in those forest green eyes. There was only a tiny voice in my head squeaking that I was angry at her, that I should walk away.

She did that step for me, as she backed away.

“Have a nice afternoon, Clarke!”

I took a deep breath and walked out of the classroom, and was happy, that I had a good half an hour of walk home.


	5. Strangers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time it is Lexa who loses it a little.

The following weeks brought a little monotone, but balanced days. I tried to make sure to be prepared whenever our paths crossed with Lexa and we settled for brief, polite small-talks whenever we met at the school or she came by the house for Raven.

Raven was happy, and she kept her promise to try to help me trust her friend. And I went along with it, while I tried to work out how to dodge her next attempt to make us spend some time together. I knew Raven wanted Lexa to be part of our group just like Octavia was becoming, and I knew it was only a matter of time that she got tired of talking about how great Lexa is and she would want to organise programmes where she could get to know all of us better.

I was dreading that time already. Somehow it felt like sooner or later the whole situation will blow up in my face.

It was a Saturday and finally I had some time for just relaxing. Raven and Anya went out for dinner and on their way they dropped Aden off at Lincoln’s, so I had peace and quiet at least until the girls got home.

I put on my favourite fuzzy socks, took a good book and settled in front of the fireplace with a glass of vine. 

About an hour later someone knocked on the door. Since I knew where everybody in my family was supposed to be I got up curiously to see who it was, and for once I was not prepared.

Lexa was looking strange, the least organised I have ever seen her. She still looked good to me, but it was clear that she was having a rough time.

“Hey!” – I greeted her as I took in her red, puffy eyes and heartbroken expression.

“Is Raven here?” – she asked in a raspy voice and I was getting more and more concerned.

“Ahm, no, sorry. They went out for dinner with Anya. But they should be home soon if you wanted to wait for her. Did something happen?”

She stepped inside but didn’t go further than the hall.

“No. I just wanted to talk to her.” 

I nodded.

“Well, can I get you a cup of tea or something?” – I wanted to be friendly, and although I was previously afraid of spending any time with her alone, this Lexa looked like she needed someone.

“No, I’ll just wait here.”

“In the hall?” 

She didn’t move, just looked like she was daring me to ask again.

“Look, whatever it is that you need, a warm cup of tea and a comfy couch will not make it worse. I will even sit with you.” – I smiled at her a little. – “I am an excellent listener too.”

My charm didn’t exactly work.

“I don’t want to talk to you.” – she didn’t say it with venom, but it still stung. – “You wouldn’t understand.” – she added as she gave in, and headed for the couch.

“Try me!”

“Look, no offence but you are practically a stranger. Why on earth would I want to talk to you? It’s not like you care anyway.”

She was getting frustrated, and I was not doing anything right to prevent it. My pride was still hurt, and I was stupidly stubborn, so, of course I couldn’t let it just go.

“I do care!” – I tried to fire back, and maybe give a convincing speech about how nice I can be, but she cut me off.

“IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!” – her voice was getting louder by the second. – “I need to get it off my chest, and I want my best friend. Why is it so hard to understand?”

That caught me off-guard. An alarm went off in my head – did she want to tell Raven?

“You want to tell her about us?”

“Oh, for God’s sake! It is not about you, Clarke! Not everything is about you!”

She jumped to her feet, and raced out of the house, past the arriving Raven and Anya.

“Lexa?” – Raven started but the women didn’t stop.

“Clarke? What the hell happened?” – she demanded, still looking after Lexa’s half-jogging form.

“I don’t know. She came here wanting to talk to you. She didn’t look too well, so I just told her to come in and wait, and offered her some tea.”

“So why was she yelling at you and storming out just now?”

My story really lacked explanation for that.

“I just wanted to help.” – I was getting frustrated too, especially because I couldn’t exactly tell them how I pissed her off.

“Sure!” – she huffed. - “I’m going after her.”

I will hear more from Raven for sure, but for now I was glad that she wanted to make sure Lexa was okay, more than she wanted to lecture me.

“How do you always get into arguments with Lexa?” – asked Anya a few minutes after Raven left. – “What is it about her?”

I didn’t know how to answer that.

***

Raven came home late, and she still looked tired on Sunday. She refused to tell me anything about Lexa – although I overheard the name Costia when she and Anya were making morning coffee in the kitchen - , and all in all she seemed to be upset with me. I wasn’t sure how to fix it, but I knew I wanted to apologise to Lexa.

I was glad that I didn’t have to ask Raven for Lexa’s address as I dropped her off once there, so I just got in my car and drove over.

My heart was beating in my throat as I knocked on the door.

Lexa opened the door and seemed pretty surprised to find me there. She looked better than the day before, but the sadness in her eyes was still prominent. She looked lost.

“What do you want, Clarke?”

“I.. I just wanted to talk to you.” – I said in a small voice.

She hesitated a moment, but then she opened the door wider and let me in.

The apartment was homey. The interior was mainly wood and earth colours, with a few well-placed decorations here and there. Multiple candle lights were dancing in the living room, but the rest of the place was dark.

“Tea?” – she asked, and I nodded.

I didn’t plan to stay long, and the fact that she even invited me in surprised me, but I got out of my shoes and followed her.

When we were sitting on the couch, I tried to find my voice. Suddenly the quiet, candle-lit apartment was overwhelming.

“What did you want to say?” – she asked softly.

All the fire from yesterday was gone, and she was back to her calm, gathered self again. Her closeness made me almost dizzy. 

“Ahm… I…” – she was smirking and I hated that she, again, could tell how much effect she had on me. – “I just wanted to apologise for what happened yesterday. I didn’t want to pray and I am sorry that I tried to push you to talk to me. I know we barely know each other.”

By the end I was staring at my hands in my lap, as her eyes were too intense for me. I still wanted to know what brought on the sadness in them, but I told myself I had to behave.

“Don’t worry about it, Clarke.” – she said, and my name on her lips sent a small shiver down my spine. – “I was not in the right state of mind. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.”

I wasn’t sure what else to say, but my cup was still almost full, so I couldn’t leave either. So we just sat in silence, sipping tea for a few minutes. 

“It was the anniversary of my last girlfriend’s death.” – she barely whispered and my eyes snapped at hers. Costia was her girlfriend. The girl that took over Raven’s position and got killed in a mission.

“I am so sorry.” – was all I could say.

She gave me a sad smile, tears dwelling in her eyes.

“It was my fault. So it gets a little tough around this time of the year.”

“Don’t say that. I am sure you did everything you could to prevent it.”

She smiled again.

“You sound like Raven. I promised her I will work on it.”

A tear finally rolled down her cheek and before I even realised, I lifted my hand to wipe it off. And I didn’t want to drop my hand from where it now rested, afraid that if I did, the waterworks would start. I was terrified of seeing her cry.

She tilted her head into my palm and closed her eyes, and a sense of calm washed through me. She didn’t fight me, or pushed me away. She actually entrusted me with something that meant so much to her.

After a few seconds I slowly started to retreat my hand but she caught it.

“Don’t!” 

She opened her eyes again, and my thoughts were gone. I wasn’t sure how it happened, but we just sat there, foreheads touching and it felt like the time just stopped. When she leaned in, I couldn’t help but catch her quivering bottom lip between mine.

It was soft, and comforting. There was no desire or passion running away with it, just soft touching of lips.

She broke the kiss soon – much sooner than I would have liked – and smiled at me.

“You should go.”

“I know.” – I whispered and got up.

After all, nothing has changed. And I hoped that my already spent conscious will not torture me more for this brief kiss than it already did for everything else. 

As I drove home I was wondering just how cruel life was. How could I feel so guilty about something that felt so right?


	6. Adulting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven did manage to organise a little gathering at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adulting = the painful awareness that growing up sucks sometime

The late autumn weather mirrored my mood lately. It was dark and grey, and on top of everything I was swamped at work. The extra set of hands that I was promised in return for giving up on my boy’s first school-week was still not hired and I was starting to think, that this year will pass by without that happening.

The only upside of the situation was that I barely had to put extra effort into avoiding Lexa. I was more set on keeping my distance now, because our Sunday apology-session literally freaked me out. It was too intimate, too private, and I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact, that I had no control over my body when she was around.

Part of me still wanted to pin it on her, but the little devil on my left shoulder kept reminding me that I cannot blame people for being too damn gorgeous. I mean, I tried, but who was I kidding.

She didn’t seem to disagree with keeping out of each other’s way either. She didn’t come by the house any more, she made sure to meet Raven practically anywhere else. And that was another issue.

Raven was struggling with the situation, and although she tried to give me a break, I could feel she blamed me. The only time Lexa actually came to the house, I opened the door. She didn’t come in further than the hall, and Raven, late as always, sent me the coldest look while digging for her favourite shoes. Lexa shot me a questioning look, but I waved it off, only to find out from Anya, that Lexa actually asked Raven to cool her shit regarding me that very evening.

This is how I was ready to have a complete weekend of tea, and sulking, when Raven’s scarily excited form stormed into my warm bubble on the couch.

“Cheer up, Princess!” – I couldn’t help smile at Finn’s old endearment. – “I am not gonna let you be all moody this weekend when we can be having fun like we barely ever do. He is going to enjoy his weekend with Oli, you should too.” – she softened her expression in the end.

Aden was spending the weekend with his new best friend, Oli, going to an old cabin with Oli’s mom and Octavia, who happened to be Oli’s auntie.

“I know, but he is so little!” – I was vining. – “He never went away with strangers before.”

Raven was laughing out loud how ridiculous that sounded.

“They are not strangers, you morron! You know Octavia, or should I say Auntie O? And Echo is probably the first and only parent you actually like around school.”

“I don’t mind Bellamy either.” – I mumbled.

“Yeahyeah, that is the same, Oli’s parents are the only ones you like.”

I didn’t even try to respond any more. I wanted to have the right to mourn that my baby boy was big enough for a two-day sleepover now.

“Sooo!” – Raven started, and the tone suggested, I was not gonna like it. – “We are having a grown-up Friday, my friend.”

“What does that even mean?”

“We are going to have some people over and play games, and consume alcohol.” – she grinned. – “And before you start protesting, Anya already agreed, and invitations were already made.”

That was when I realised that there was no way Lexa was not one of Raven’s invitees. Great!

My expression probably gave me away, as Raven just rolled her eyes and started talking again.

“Don’t pee your pants, I am not going to make you sit through some weird double date with me, Anya and Lexa.” – she huffed. – “Lincoln and Bellamy are also coming, so plenty of people for you to socialise with without biting my girl’s head off.”

There was not much I could do about this any more, but I did regret not booking a spa weekend as soon as I heard Aden was sleeping over at Oli’s.

***

Linc and Bellamy arrived first, each with way too much alcohol. I didn’t need to see them high-fiving Raven to know whose idea it was.

Lexa came last, and I probably died a little, as I took in her going-out attire. IT wasn’t too much, but you could tell she didn’t just grab the first clothes she found in her closet. She had black, torn jeans and a sleeveless top on that had just the right amount of cleavage. I had to force my eyes not to keep returning to that particular area every other second. Her make-up was just a tad stronger than during an average day, highlighting her green eyes and plum lips.

The boys greeted her with whistles, and I almost groaned at the thought that I am not the only one who is allowed to see her like this. 

As Raven was setting up for her version of Activity – normal Activity with shots – Lexa came to sit by me.

“Hey” – she smiled.

I swallowed quickly, trying to force my voice to sound casual.

“Hi there! I am glad you could make it.”

She almost snorted.

“Really?”

I couldn’t help grin back.

“Would you just pretend you believed me?” – I asked, batting my eyelashes at her.

“All right!” – she giggled and took a sip of her vine.

“Okay, bitches! We are ready!” – Raven yelled, that was followed by more whistles from our two guys.

I wasn’t even surprised that I was paired up with Lexa for the game, and I had to admit I was having fun. I tried to stay sober enough to have at least a small resemblance of control, but the wide smiles and hopeful expression on Raven’s face suggested I got too friendly with Lexa.

What can I say, it wasn’t news by now that her proximity destroyed most of my self-control. Thank God she seemed to have slightly more than I did.

The game gave a good, elevated mood for the night, and I had high hopes, that we might come out of this situation without any mayor disaster.

That only lasted when Raven, who else edged closer and closer to my least favourite topic: my non-existent love life.

“You know, Clarkey! I think you should consider getting back in the game. I mean, guys! Don’t you think it is a waste to have her play mom 24/7?” – she turned to Lincoln and Bellamy.

They were pretty drunk by now, and nodded enthusiastically along with Raven’s little speech.

“Rae!” – Anya tried weakly, but she didn’t sound half as convincing with a grin on her face.

“Come on, Annie! You agree with me on this!” – she singed.

“I do, I am just less vocal about it!”

“Oh god!” – I sighed, embarrassed, but it was not the end.

“Look, I am not saying to go and get married straight away. But there must be cobwebs up there by now.” – Raven grinned, and turned devilishly towards Lexa. – “Four years is a loooong time, isn’t it Lex?”

“And what makes you think that you would know anything about my sexcapades, Reyes?” – I didn’t want to let her get away with putting me in the spotlight.

I barely realised what Raven’s teasing actually meant for the others until I caught Lexa’s bewildered expression. Her eyes locked on mine, so I didn’t see Anya looking curiously between the two of us, while Raven let out a loud “O-ooh!”.

“Clarke, my dear! There is no way you could keep that from Anya, so indirectly from me.” – Raven winked at her girlfriend playfully.

That was when Lexa excused herself quietly to the bathroom.

“Sure, Reyes!” – I dismissed Raven while my eyes followed Lexa.

I waited a few minutes, and got up as well, trying to nonchalantly follow Lexa.

She didn’t even close the door, so I took my chances and let myself in, locking it after me.

She lifted her eyes at me, and I just waited.

“Did she say the truth?” – again, she got to the point.

“Does it matter?”

“Clarke! Was I the first one since..” – she struggled to say Finn’s name, and I didn’t blame her.

There was no need to answer though, my face said it all. She sighed loudly, massaging her temple.

“This cannot be happening.”

“Lex!” – the endearment rolled of my tongue without thinking. – “We didn’t know.” – I whispered as I stepped closer, surprising myself with the realisation that I didn’t just believe what I was saying, I wanted her to believe me too. I wanted to make her feel better.

For yet another time, she locked eyes with me and I could feel myself falling again.

“But we know now.” – she said finally.

She stepped sideways and pressed a soft kiss to my temple, before she left the bathroom.

I inhaled deeply and was just about to follow her when Anya slipped inside. She observed me for a few seconds, deep in thought.

“You slept with her, didn’t you?” – she asked quietly, and my world started to crumble.

But before I could master a few words, Raven galloped inside as well, and dragged us back to the living room, where Bellamy and Lincoln were singing bone-fire songs a cheering after every verse.

Not much later the guys were snoring on one of the couches, while Raven was shakily walking Lexa out and Anya was quietly helping me clean the table. Raven barely made it back from the door, and took up the other couch with grace.

I walked back to the living room just as Anya was covering Raven with a blanket, and she finally looked at me.

“I won’t tell her.” – she nodded towards the sleeping girl. – “But you should have told me.”

Her expression was hard to read, but held onto the smallest of hopes, that her disappointment might be because I kept it a secret, and not because she believed that I betrayed Finn.

Sleep didn’t come easy that night. Adulting sucked.


	7. Please, do tell!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finally talks to Anya and gets pretty much scolded.

After a night of tossing and turning I woke up tired and for a second I wasn’t sure why I was feeling so down. Then the memory of Anya’s sad face flashed in front of my eyes and my mood suddenly made sense. I knew I wanted to talk to her, I just needed to find a time when Raven was not around. At this point I thought I could leave Lexa the honour of involving her best friend if she wanted to.

As I slowly ascended the stairs I heard quiet noises, only to find Lincoln and Bellamy groaning on the couch, each of them nursing a hot cup of coffee. Raven was in a slightly better shape than them, but still nowhere near being ready for the day.

“Morning!” – I said to them quietly.

I did get a ‘morning’ back from Raven, and a nod from Lincoln, while Bellamy just pressed his index finger to his lips with a pained expression.

“Morning, Clarke! Want some coffee?” – peeked Anya into the living room.

“Yes, please!” – I nodded, searching her face for clues of her aftermath-reaction.

She gave me a smile, and she handed me a cup in no time.

After we managed to get some breakfast into our three ‘party-animals’ Anya offered to drive them home.

“I’ll come along, to keep you company.” 

I figured that was the easiest way to get to talk to her alone. I mean, there was no way Raven was leaving the house today. Anya just nodded, and we loaded the boys in the back, as if they were some high-school kids caught drinking and drove off.

After delivering the guys home, silence fell on the car, but I was grateful to see that Anya was not heading home. We drove to a nearby coffee with cosy, warm interior, and beautiful view of the Alps. 

We ordered our teas, and she waited patiently for me to start talking.  
“I am sorry I didn’t tell you.” – I started awkwardly.

“Why didn’t you? I thought that is what we do.” – she said quietly.

“We do that. Of course we do.” – I was quickly reassuring her – remembering all the nights we talked about Raven; how infuriating she was with the whole no-strings attached attitude for months. – “I trust you with my life, Anya. But this… You are Finn’s sister.” – by the end my voice was barely above a whisper, and I couldn’t force myself to look her in the eye.

She sighed loudly, as she tipped my chin up to make me meet her eyes.  
“You though I would me mad?” – realisation dawned to her.

I nodded, not trusting my voice any more.

“Clarke! Finn is gone for years now and we have been talking so much about you having to move on. Why would I have any problems when you finally, fucking finally do something about it?!”

“With Alex..” – I pitched in, trying to make a point by using her cover name – the one that for both me and Anya meant Finn’s best friend above any other things that Lexa was.

Anya briefly lifted her eyes to the ceiling, and a hint of a smile played on her lips when she looked at me again.

“Let me ask you this! Is it possible that you feel guilty about this, because of their past, instead of actually believing that I would be against it?” – her voice so much softer than before.

“Of course, I am feeling guilty. It is so messed up! He trusted her so much, and what do we do?” – I trailed off. “I betrayed his memory, Anya!” – I said after a few seconds, tears burning my eyes by just the admission of what has been eating me for month. – “And I the worst is, I don’t even feel like I have any power over what I do, like I am just a bystander.”

Her smile just grew during my little rant, which confused me.

“Oh babe!” – she started very Raven-like. – “You didn’t betrayed him. He would want you to be happy, to be whole again. We all want that for you, with whoever you deem worthy. Lexa was one of Finn’s favourite people on this planet for a reason. What I know from him and from Raven, they were so much alike. Including in their taste in women.” – she smirked. – “Did you know Finn once stole Lexa’s girlfriend of 2 month?”

“What?” – my head snapped up.

“Yeah. She introduced them and they hit it off. The girl realised she wasn’t really into women, and ditched Lexa. According to Raven, you could cut tension with a knife for two weeks after Lexa found out the details. But after a few rounds in the training fighting pits, they got over themselves, and less than a week later Finn broke up with the girl, and all was good in the world again.”

“I never heard that story.” – I smiled weakly, still not sure why she told me all that.

“What I am trying to say, that I don’t believe you betrayed him. In fact, I think she would be pleased to see, that it was no other than Lexa who managed to bring you out of your shell. I know why you did it, but Clarke, you stopped living, and he would have hated seeing what his death did to you.”

“I didn’t stop living, I just had to prioritise Aden for a while.” – I was getting defensive.

“You know very well, that it is not true. Yes, a kid changes things, but you can’t put losing all your friends on him.” – she tried to stay calm.

“I didn’t lose all my friends, Anya. I grew up, and I became a mom. People become less close to each other when that happens.” – I didn’t want to hear this.

“Less close would mean you still keep in touch.” – she argued.

“I still have you guys, and Wells…” – she didn’t let me finish.

“Clarke, for God’s sake! We are your family, yes, we are friends too, but other than us, the only people in your life that might be friends are actually _our_ friends. And Wells… The only reason you are still in touch with your high-school best friend because _he_ was the only one who didn’t let you push him away.”

I didn’t know what to answer to her. She made me so mad, because she was right. I could not recall anything unrelated to Aden that I did in the last four and a half years that was not through my family. Except Lexa.

Anya could see it on my expression when the realisation came through.

“I don’t know if Lexa is going to be the one who you grow old with. But it is a start that she got through to your thick head.” – she grinned softly. – “The only thing I am mad at you for is that you didn’t tell me. You didn’t let me help you, just made me watch as you were struggling. That was a bitch move, my friend.”

“I am sorry!” – I said dejectedly. – “I guess I felt so guilty about it, I didn’t stop to think about it from another perspective.”

She nodded knowingly.

“So, wanna tell me how did this actually happen?” – she was grinning mischievously.

“Your remember that conference I had to go to?” – I asked blushing.

Anya gasped, clearly expecting a much closer date.

“You didn’t even know who she was back then.” 

I shake my head.

“You are such an idiot.” – she laughed. – “You made up all this guilt-bullshit when you had literally no idea who she was until like a week after?”

“Well, if you put it like that..” – I smiled weakly. – “But to my defence, Lexa is no better at it.”

She considered it for a second.

“I suppose it is a bit different with her. Out of the two of you, she could have known who you are. Plus she still feels awful for not doing anything after Finn died. Raven told me.” – she continued. – “But anyway, you are not getting out of telling me the whole story that easy.” – she smiled expectantly, and I blushingly started to re-tell her what happened in the last couple of months.


	8. Kids be like kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day in the climbing-center.  
> This is just a calm, happy chapter, hope you like it.

My kid was amazing. Was I biased?

Yes.

Was it still true?

Also yes.

We were all gathered around the wall-climbing instructor on a cold, windy Saturday morning, waiting for our introduction to the art of indoor climbing.

Just the day before, I had been racing to school to try and be not late for once, and surprising as it was, I had made it even earlier than necessary. That is how I had managed to have a little talk with Echo and came up with the best programme for Oli and Aden for Saturday.

Little did we know that our oh-so-adult friend group would highjack the idea and turn it into a massive gang outing. Octavia was practically bouncing like a kid, Bellamy’s best friend and his new girlfriend were nervously eyeing Lincoln’s not so subtle presence, and as always, Anya and Raven were bickering, because Raven thought it was a good idea to make her girlfriend believe that she wanted to actually climb with her bad leg.

Raven’s mood was in overdrive, even for Raven, simply because I gathered the courage and invited Lexa to come with us. She was ecstatic about this because she thought I was trying to be nice for once, while Anya was excited, because she thought our talk worked on me.

Frankly, it did. It also freaked me out, because it made me painfully aware that all the guilt-tripping was in my own head, and our friends were probably (currently not consciously) supporting it. Of course, Lexa also had a say in it, but for now, I stopped avoiding the woman, and made a slight effort to make sure I get to see her more often.

And while all these things were twirling in my head, the instructor started talking.

“I’d like to ask you all to pair up, and find a rope so we can show you how not to drop each other.” – he smiled. – “For this part it would be great if you guys” – he pointed at the boys with a wink – “sticked with your parents. Right after the intro I will come and get you to the VIP section of our park, coz, you know, that is only for the cool ones.” – he winked again, and Aden and Oli giggled happily.

Everyone stepped closer to their significant others, and Oli also obediently followed after Bellamy when I heard Aden speak up.

“Miss Woods? You should be with me and my mommy. That way, when I have to leave, you both have someone to take care of you.”

He smiled brightly, and grabbed Lexa’s hand to drag her over to me.

“Smooth, kid!” – grinned Raven, and high-fived him as they passed her, while my heart was just swelling at the sight. – “Yo, Griffin? How the hell did you make such sweet kid?” – Raven yelled over and I just laughed.

“You don’t mind?” – Lexa asked quietly, still holding Aden’s hand.

“Of course not. It is going to be fun!” – I winked at her, and I was pleased to see that since I got on board with the idea of ‘us’, I became smoother and was able to make Lexa blush once in a while.

Don’t get me wrong, it was enough for her to look at me the right way, and I was still lost for words, but at least I started to make up for it. Like once for every ten times, but still.

The intro was short, and soon the guy guided Oli and Aden towards the kid-section. I agreed to go first, because I have done this before, and it only occurred to me halfway up the wall, what kind of view I was happily offering to Lexa. I wasn’t wrong. When I looked back down, I could tell from her sheepish expression that she was shamelessly checking my butt out.

And that was exactly the same activity that I enjoyed while she was on the wall five minutes later. I literally had to force myself to keep the rope straight, as I was watching those lean muscles work. The last thing I was expecting was to hear Lexa’s shaky voice from the top.

“Clarke? What do I do now?” – she said, looking straight ahead.

“You come back down.” – I chuckled.

“I don’t think I can.” – her voice was weak and I realised that she wasn’t just tired out, but afraid.

Suddenly I was really glad, that Anya and Raven were arguing loudly about where Anya should put her feet, and how Raven was not keeping the rope tight enough, so they didn’t hear our conversation.

“Listen, you just have to lean back a little, and I will let you down, slowly and easy, okay?” – I said, but she didn’t seem to even hear me as she was taking quick, shuttering breaths.

“Lex! Look at me!” – I said louder and I could tell from the new tension in her body that she heard me, although, it still took her a few seconds to actually turn her face downwards.

“I got you! I won’t let you fall.” – I said in the most calming voice I could master. – “I promise.”

She kept looking in my eyes for a few long seconds before she took a deep breath, turned her head back to the wall, and let go with her hands.

I was so proud, and wrapped her up in a hug as soon as she was steady on her feet again.

“See? We got this!” – I grinned at her as I watch her pale face to regain colour. – “Wanna check out how the kids are doing?” – I asked, figuring that she probably could use a little break.

She nodded and we started walking towards the huge maze-like playground that had the entrance on the other end of the hall.

“Thanks!” – she said quietly when we finally reached the maze, and I just smiled back at her.

“Any time.” – and I meant it.

Aden and Oli were all flushed and grinning widely when we finally found them, and we managed to convince them to calm down a little with an offer of ice cream. I smiled happily as Oli latched onto my hand while Aden was dragging Lexa to all the cool slides they tried before we got there.

“And look, Miss Woods!” – he exclaimed the tenth times. – “ There was a big boy up there who didn’t dare to slide down and one of the instructors had to bring him down, but me and Oli were brave and we got a sticker for sliding down.” – he said animatedly.

“Well, aren’t you both little daredevils?” – Lexa chuckled. “And guys?” – she drew both boys' attention. “Please, call me Lexa when we are not at school, okay? This Miss Woods makes me feel really old.”

I giggled next to Oli, as we sat down at one of the tables at the ice-cream stand.

“But she is old.” – I heard Oli whisper to Aden, looking confused.

I almost laughed out loud, and Lexa was also holding back giggles when we exchanged a look.

“All right, munchkins! Ice cream is on me! Who wants what?” – Lexa said.

“You don’t have to.” – I started but she waved me off, and in no time we were sitting with ice creams, bigger than our heads.

After the very unhealthy lunch, we explored the rest of the indoor play-resort, and ended up in a ‘deadly’ ball-fight in one of the ball-pits. As most of the day, I was teamed with Oli while Aden and Lexa tried to get the best of us.

With our last strategic huddle, Oli and I launched a full-on attack, trying to bring our opponents under water, I mean, under ball-level. And that is exactly how I found myself jumping onto Lexa, trying to push her under the sea of plastic balls.

First she was completely shocked and that was the only reason I could make her loose her balance. As soon as she realised what was happening, I was on my back on the bottom of the pit, with colourful balls all around me and forest-green eyes laughing at me.

The smile slowly faded from Lexa’s face as we both realised just how close we are, and just how secluded the bottom of a ball-pit could be. She seemed to swallow and her eyes wandered to my lips for just a fraction of a second, and I used her distraction to swop our position.

Her surprised expression was priceless, and I was happy, that for once, I remained in control of my body. It wouldn’t have done any good to either one of us to (maybe) share another kiss. Instead, I winked at her and pressed a firm and loud kiss on her cheek, before getting up.

“Hey! So they were supervised! – I heard Raven’s voice and found most of our gang laughing as I dragged Lexa into view from under the balls.

Most of them were grinning at the two adults stumbling to get out of the pit, and it was only Anya’s teasing smirk that made me blush. That was it about control over my body’s responses.


	9. Silent storm (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snowstorm hits Arkadia sooner than expected, and lasts longer than expected.  
> This is going to be a double chapter :)  
> Hope you like it!

Lexa Woods was the most organised person I knew. Yet, she hated the alphabet. She refused to use it in the school for any other reason than for the kids to learn it. That is how I found Aden’s name as the last one on the list for the teacher-parent meeting on a Friday. 

“I mean, who the hell holds these kind of meetings on a Friday, a few weeks before Christmas?!” – I fumed as we had an early dinner that very day.

“She didn’t know, dumbass.” – said Raven, and by now I had long given up on trying to stop her to use that kind of words around Aden. Thank god he had some genetic resistance to learning swearwords. – “The school dumped it on her practically last minute, since she also has to give a two weeks’ notice. They gave out the order to have it all done before the holidays. She figured the sooner the better.”

I did hear Raven, but I refused to acknowledge whatever truth there was in her little speech and continued sulking, while Aden just patted my arm sympathetically before rushing up to his room.

“There will be a storm by the time I get home. What if I can’t even drive, and I will freeze to death, and it will be July by the time they find my body in a melting iceberg halfway to Africa.”

Raven was laughing like a maniac and Anya was looking at me like I needed to be institutionalised.

“Right, Clarke. That is exactly what is going to happen, because for a change a teacher actually keeps in mind that people do not choose their names and some of us are stuck with Willow for a big ass time of our lives.” – said Anya sarcastically.

“Oh, I bet that is why Lexa is doing it.” – exclaimed Raven. – “Woods must have been one of the last to be called for anything. Graduation, vaccination, school dentist…. Guess it is time for Collins and Griffins to suck it up and let fate decide.”

Reyes and Willow were very enthusiastically agreeing with Lexa’s method of simply drawing the kids name from a box each time. I guess they have a point.

“All right poor souls with awful last names. I am out of here. If I don’t make it home, take care of my boy, and tell the coast guard to find me near Tunis, will ya?”

They giggled and waved me off as I headed to the school for my Aden-talk with Lexa.

***

I took a seat outside the classroom, and listened to the noises coming from behind the door. Based on the sounds, both Bellamy and Echo were in there discussing Oli’s progress. The minutes passed by and soon we were nearing a half an hour delay in the schedule.

“Hey Clarke!” – I heard as soon as the door opened and a tired looking Bellamy stepped out. 

“Hi, Blake! What took you so long?” – I teased.

“Don’t even mention it. The Zwiebel kid’s mom refused to start the meeting until her husband was present, and the guy walzed in an hour late, still chatting on his phone. Lexa has been trying to run a very tight ship since then so the last ones still get to go home before midnight.” – joined Echo. – “Haven’t you read this on the Mom group I added you to?” – she tilted her head.

“I may have switched off any notifications from that group.” – I said sheepishly. – “You tell me everything worth knowing anyway.”

Echo just laughed and dragged Bellamy towards the main gate while waving back to me. She knew exactly how much useless info-sharing the mom-group did.

“Clarke?” – I heard from inside the classroom and as Lexa came into view I took back all my grumpy attitude towards the woman.

She looked pretty tired.

“You are the last one, right?” – she asked with full on hope.

“Yeah, don’t worry. There is no one else coming at you today.” – I smiled as I took a seat. – “I hear the Zwiebels made quiet an entrance?”

She sighed loudly and she was obviously trying to keep her cool and not badmouth any of the parents.

“Let’s just say being an hour late was the less uncomfortable part of the experience.”

“You know we can wrap this up now, and do it over the phone. I don’t mind, we talk about Aden outside school sometimes, so I didn’t exactly come here expecting surprises.”

She did consider my words, and honestly, she would have been a fool to insist on carrying on.

“You really don’t mind?” – she asked.

“No, of course not. The snowstorm they promised for the early morning already brought the wind around, we might as well go home and get cosy before it hits.”

“All right. Thanks, Clark. And sorry to keep you waiting for nothing.”

“No worries. Go, get some rest and I will give you a call some time over the weekend.”

“Drive safe, Clarke!” – she said as she went back to the teacher’s lounge to collect her things.

I headed for the main door, in a much better mood than only a few minutes before, only to stop dead in my tracks as I took in the outside world. Did Echo and Bellamy just go out to this??

The storm was already here. My car was under about a 40-50cm snow blanket while the wind was building snow castles against anything that came in its way.

I was staring at the white, twirling world when I heard footsteps behind me and found Lexa walking tiredly towards me in her big winter jacket.

“We have a problem.” – I told her pointing to the street.

She was suddenly alert as she watched the snow piling up in corners and against the cars, trees and walls.

“Can you maybe help me get my car out? I can drive you home.” – I tried, although it sounded stupid as soon as it left my mouth.

“There is no way in hell that you are driving in this weather.” – she stated firmly and I really couldn’t agree less. – “We can try and get to my apartment on foot.” – she speculated, and before I got a chance to speak again she disappeared in the closest classroom.

She returned with some rope in her hand.

“Give me your hand!” – she said.

I offered her my left hand while asking:

“What is the rope for?”

“I’ll tie the other end to mine. It is long enough that it won’t be uncomfortable, but it seems like we can barely see a meter ahead in this mess and I doubt that talking on the way will be easy, so if you fall, or get a little stuck behind me, I will notice the pull on the rope.”

“Military much?” – I asked teasingly, but truth be told, I was grateful that she actually had a plan.

The weather was pretty terrifying once you got out on the street. We buckled up, and covered our faces as much as we could, but it also made sure that we really had to shout to be able to communicate. Lexa took the lead, and ‘surprisingly’, her silhouette was only a blurry figure in the mist in front of me. We walked slowly, and after 10 minutes I started to be really cold, but she kept her steady tempo, and in another 5 minutes we reached her building.

By the time we tandemed over from the school, the wind almost doubled its strength and I was more than grateful to finally be inside.

“I think it is safe to say that you are not leaving from my place any time soon.” – Lexa smiled as we climbed the stairs to her apartment.

The first thing I did after taking of my boots and jacket was to sit next to one of the radiators and took out my phone to text home, only to find a few messages from both Anya and Raven, that they are all warm and safe, and that if I haven’t left the school yet, maybe I should just stay there. A while later I also got a request to just let them know where I was – I guess running late with the meetings meant they were mildly freaking out by now.

I quickly shot them both a text that I was with Lexa and that I will not be leaving until it was safe. On a second thought, I sent another text about reminding them about letting the coast guard know that I hadn’t made it home yet.

“Here.” – I heard Lexa walking up to me with a steaming cup of tea. – “This should help warming up.” – she smiled. 

“Thanks! Why don’t I go raid your kitchen and cook up some quick dinner for you? I bet you haven’t seen food since lunchtime.” – I started standing up from my warm little spot on the floor.

“Clarke, you don’t have to. I’ll just grab some biscuits or something.” – she tried to wave me off.

“Non-sense. I am a mom, I can’t just let you eat some sugary crap after the day you had, especially since I am also crashing at your place for an undefined period of time.” 

“Undefined period of time?” – she chuckled. – “How long do you think storms last?”

“Whatever, Woods. Just go and take a nice warm shower okay?”

“Yes, Ma’am!” – she mock-saluted and disappeared in her bedroom.

Her kitchen, surprise-surprise, was neat and well organised, so it didn’t take me long to find some pasta, and whip up an easy cheese-bacon sauce to top it up. I just lifted it off the stove when I heard Lexa turning off the water. 

What I did not expect, that she would walk into the living room/kitchen holding a towel, some sweats and an old t-shirt, while wearing nothing else than her towel. Her long wavy hear was still wet and beads of water was still running down her body. 

I swallowed hard as I probably stared unceremoniously at the gorgeous, almost completely naked women in front of me.

“Clarke?” – I heard. I mean I did hear it. Just didn’t exactly realise I was Clarke at the moment.

“Clarke? “ – came the amused voice again, and I managed to focus my eyes on her face. – “I asked if you also wanted to take a shower. I got you some comfier clothes to get into afterwards.”

I nodded dumbly and accepted the offered stack of clothes without a word. It only occurred to me when I closed the bathroom door that initially I was going to turn down the shower as I manage to squeeze one in just before dinner back home.

It was also not a lie that while I didn’t need a shower when we got to her place, I definitely needed one now. A very cold one.


	10. Silent storm (II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the storm is still going strong, and we get to hear a little more about Lexa's life.  
> And of course, they are still trapped together, so there is that :)

We went to sleep not long after shower, with only a small disagreement on who should sleep where. I won by arguing that I would not put her out of her own bed, and I was extremely glad she did not suggest sharing. That was how I found myself on a surprisingly comfortable couch in Lexa’s living room, while the outside world was tormented by the elements.

I woke to the smell of fresh coffee and quiet sounds from the kitchen.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” – I heard, as I slowly focused on Lexa’s apologetic face.

For a second I just stared, thinking I could get used to waking up to this face every morning.

“Don’t worry, I don’t think it was actually you who woke me.” – I said as I sat up and stretched, trying to ignore the blush creeping up my neck when I caught her looking at the hem of my shirt riding up.

“Coffee?”

I nodded gratefully, and headed for the bathroom for freshening up.

I was watching the storm still going strong outside, with my warm, overly sweet coffee in my hand wondering how long can a storm last. 

“Lex? What do people do in case of a storm like this?”

She looked up from her magazine confused.

“What do you mean? They stay inside?”

“Of course, but then what do they do? Just wait for it to pass while staring out the window? You said the electricity wend down right?”

She chuckled and nodded.

“You know there are other things to enjoy then things that need electricity.” – she teased.

“I know that, but I’ve been living with Raven for too long, so if I am bored I just go and find her, and she will make a whole parade of weird inventions to entertain me.”

Lexa was laughing and she pointed a finger at her bookshelf with a quirked eyebrow.

“How about a parade of books you can read?”

I did like reading, but being in the same room with her made me wonder if I could actually pay attention to what I wasreading. None the less I got up to scan through her mini-library and found a book interesting enough to give it a shot.

I lasted about half an hour. The book wasn’t bad, but I was fidgeting too much to keep reading, so I wandered off to explore the rest of the place ignoring Lexa’s amused expression.

I ended up with some paper and black pencils doodling by the window and found that concentrating on my hand’s movements was a lot more efficient than the book. I was so caught up in my drawing that I hadn’t noticed Lexa getting up and making some tea until she brought one over for me – thank god for the gas stove that was not yet replaced by an electric one in her apartment.

“Thanks.” – I said as I quickly put down the drawing to take the hot mug from her and I saw her eyes darting to the piece of paper next to me.

“Clarke, this is really good. Is this the climbing park?” – she asked as she took the paper.

I nodded and a calm, proud feeling burst in my chest as I watched her look at the drawing, taking in all the small details. It was a drawing of Aden and Oli grinning happily, while the others were climbing the wall in the background.

“You can have it if you’d like.” – I offered and was even happier when she smiled gladly and happily pinned it to the fridge with a few magnets.

After some lunch I debated whether I should call home, but Lexa convinced me that the generator in the building will not die just from charging my phone – we still minimalised all electricity use as the generator did not have the capacity to operate with all the apartments being on full use, so we only used it when necessary.

“Hey guys, how is it going over there?” – I asked as soon as the little chorus of ‘hi’ burst through my speakerphone.

“We built a snowman, Mom!” – shouted Aden excitedly and my smile was gone in an instant.

“You did what!? REYES!!!” – I was going to murder whoever allowed my son out in this weather.

“Chill your tits, princess, it was totally safe. I promise!” – came Raven’s annoyed voice, and I felt like strangling her in her sleep was a very mild punishment.

“Clarke, do you think I would have let her do anything with my nephew that was going to hurt him?” – said Anya much calmer.

“But he went outside! In this goddamn weather! He is five, Anya.”

We could hear a weak ‘almost six’ in the background that made Lexa smile next to me.

“Clarke? Do you remember those military ropes and carabiners Raven keeps in the garage in a massive box?”

“Yeah?”

All that rope was wrapped around Aden like a million times to make sure he will not fall, slip or fly away with the wind from the balcony, that, might I add, was almost completely wind-free as the house blocked it almost completely, and he even got a helmet taped onto his head. I swear, if the storm tore down the entire house and the only thing was left of it was the main beam holding it all up, you would still find your kid safely tied to it in like a full body armour.”

For a second I was just silent while Lexa’s smile just got wider, and if anything she looked like she just realised what kind of idiotic people she had been hanging out with.

“Where did you get a helmet?” – I asked in a much softer voice.

“Remember all those stories Rae told us about her motorcycle?”

“Of course.”

“She hasn’t been able to get on a bike for like 7-8 years.” – chimed in Lexa confused.

“What can I say, she is a collector. You should see all the crap we keep in the garage, Lexa.” – said Anya. – “Clarke, I promise this whole snowman thing is a lot more innocent and cute than you think. I will show you the pictures when you get home.”

I decided to let it go. I mean, Aden was fine after all, and if I killed Raven after every stupid idea she had, she would have had more lives than a cat by now.

The afternoon went by nicely, while the elements kept on trying to show off outside the building. Lexa got the fire running in the fire-place while I dag through her fridge to whip up something edible before the lack of electricity has its way with the contents.

By the time I was done, the fire was cracking happily and Lexa even produced a bottle of vine from somewhere and we sat down to eat. I couldn’t help feel the power of this calm and nice day we were forced to spend together. It was so easy, and relaxing. Neither of us had a problem to be quiet around each other, and we didn’t feel the need to fill the silence with meaningless small-talk, and I enjoyed that.

Something occurred to me while sipping my vine, so I decided to break the silence.

“Why don’t you have any pictures around the house?” – I was curious.

Her expression went a shade darker as she contemplated the answer.

“Because things don’t last, and pictures just remind you of what you have lost.” – she said quietly.

This came from the same woman who just admired a hand-sketch of our group of friends this morning, that was currently on display in the kitchen.

“Not even remembering the happy times with the people you loved makes it worth to have a few?”

I could not understand. Our house was full of memories, Aden kept a picture of Finn on his nightstand, and he had an even bigger picture of my, my mom and my dad in his room. Not to mention the rest of the house, and the “wall of fame” (Raven’s name idea) that held dozens of photos from all our best memories.

“People leave, reminding yourself of them will not bring them back.” – she was closing down on me and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.

“This is why you don’t want this.” – I gestured to the two of us. – “Not because of Finn. You don’t think I would stick around.” – I was party just mumbling to myself trying to figure her out, but her head snapped up at the last part.

“Nobody does.” – she said quietly and that was the moment I understood that there was a story, an probably very painful story that made her believe this.

“Tell me!” – it fell from my lips like a plea.

I waited nervously, half expecting her to turn me down immediately but she seemed to be deep in thought for a while. And when she begun to speak, it was barely louder than a whisper.

“My mother got pregnant with me when she was still in high-school. My father didn’t stick around long enough to even know that I was born.” – there was mild anger in her voice, but it was tired. – “I even have a little sister, did you know?” – she clearly didn’t expect an answer as she carried on. “Anyway. Me and my mom was living with my grandma, and my uncle. He was only 10 when I was born. A few years later my mom got really sick, and passed away, quickly followed by my grandmother and so we got into the system with Gustus. He was not my sibling so they didn’t have a reason to keep us together.” 

My heart was breaking and I couldn’t help but place a soft hand on her arm. She didn’t shake it off.

“Gus was great, he got me a phone so he can call me every day, and he spent most of the money he got from working shitty jobs to buy me stuff.” – she smiled fondly while she was in her ow bubble of memories. – “For my 6th birthday he got me the best, most pink dress ever; it must have cost him a fortune, but he still slipped into my group-home the night before so I can wear it the whole day.”

She was quiet for a second.

“Sorry, I went on a side-track.”

“It’s okay, I don’t mind hearing about your life.”

“It was pretty tough, but things got better when he finally got a nice job, and his new boss technically ordered him out of the coffee shop every evening to call me. Niko is a godsent angel.”

“But if you have Gustus and Niko, why do you say everyone always leaves?” – I was confused.

“They are barely part of my life, Clarke, mainly because if they were, they would be dropping like flies. Just like everyone else. My father left before I was even born, my mom, my grandma all gone. My mentor at the academy, Roan, was shot, my first partner died in a hit and run. Everyone I got close to in any form had suffered.” – by now she was barely holding back tears. “Raven, Finn, Costia…”

And a loud sob broke through the quiet room any my arms instinctively went around her and pulled her into my chest. All I wanted to do was to hold her until all this pain, and self-blame was gone.

We sat there for a while and her sobs slowly quieted. I wasn’t sure it was the right time, or the right thing to say, but I couldn’t help it.

“Look at me, Lexa?” – I asked her softly, and waited until her eyes met mine. – “What happened to you as a child is not your fault. And you went on to choose a pretty dangerous job, if not the most dangerous one. Honestly, it is almost surprising that the list is not longer.” – she huffed but I didn’t let her interrupt me. – “Your first partner had an accident, just like Finn, and Reven? Lexa, she is alive, and happy and she is thrilled to have you in her life. I know that what happened to Costia can never be explained or forgotten, but you cannot give up on love. She wouldn’t have wanted that for you.” – I took a deep breath as I could feel my emotions getting the best of me. – “I bet Gustus is more than happy any time he gets to spend time with you,” – her new tears were caught in the slight upwards twitch of her mouth – “and let me tell you, your new friends adore you. And the kids? Aden cannot stop talking about you. They all love you, and all these people cannot be wrong, Lex!”

She just stared at me with her face shining from the tears, and I could not stand the sight of her broken expression. I had to make it go away, I had to make it better.

“You are not alone!” – I whispered as I pressed a kiss to her cheek.

She closed her eyes, but did not pull away.

“You will never be alone!” – I continued to kiss away the tears.

When my lips grazed hers, I heard her take a shuttering breath. I took a leap of faith and captured her lip between mine.

She pressed further into me and her hand found my hip, as she tilted her head to deepen the kiss. I pulled away for a second, but she chased my lips, and I had no intention of keeping her away from them for long. I kissed back with more ferocity this time, and it was turning into a heavy make-out session. 

When I shifted more towards her, she pulled me on top of her, so I was straddling her, and I could feel the heat between my legs, as I pressed down onto her lap. Her hands snaked around my body, and I gasped when they slipped under my sweats and grabbed my butt. She smirked into the kiss and the serious talk was suddenly forgotten as we were getting lost in each other. 

She played with the hem of my shirt before I lifted my hands and let her pull it off completely. My bra didn’t stay long after that and I not so gracefully managed to get her out of her hoodie too. To my biggest surprise, that was the only clothing that covered her upper body, and my mind went slack for a second as I took in (once again) her perfect boobs.   
She almost laughed at my expression before I leaned in and rolled my tongue over one of her nipples. That effectively shut her amusement up.

She was squirming under my lips and hands, and she slowly guided my lips back up to hers. Her hands found their place on my butt again, and with a swift motion she stood up, holing me close to her body.

“Smooth!” – I whispered to her ears as I started nibbling on her earlobe and she shivered.

She walked slowly towards her bedroom, and I knew none of us had any intention to stop now.

She pressed me up against the wall next to her bedroom, and her hands pushed my pants as low as possible without putting me down. 

She started moving again, and soon my back hit the matrass. She let her hands graze my entire body before slowly pulling down my pants and panties at once. The hungry look on my face as I trailed my eyes over her body seemed to convince her that the best was for her to step out of her own pants as well, and my next surprise came when I realised, she did not only missed her bra from under her clothes, but she was also not wearing any panties.

As soon as she finally lowered herself on top of me, I flipped her on her back with a newly found strength and made a good point in emphasizing that this time I was in charge.  
I had no idea if this was going to be the only time I got to do this, so I was going to do it right. Because as I was worshipping her gorgeous body, a small but determined though found its place in the middle of my heart. Being where I was felt like home.


	11. Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa didnt come back to school and Raven has the answers, or at least some of it
> 
> Let me know what you think of the new developmet! :)

When I first woke up it was still dark outside. The sound of the wind still suggested that the storm was not over, but in my current position, I really didn’t mind. Lexa’s war body was pressed up against my front and as I moved slightly behind her, she snuggled more into me. The smile on my face could not have been any bigger as I held her tight and fall back asleep within seconds.

The next time I opened my eyes, the room was swimming in bright sunlight, and I found the bed beside me empty. I slowly forced myself out of bed, and pulled on my discarded panties and a t-shirt hanging by the closet.

I found Lexa sitting on the balcony with a cup of coffee looking over the snowed in city. I didn’t want to startle her but she still jumped a little when I placed a soft hand on her shoulder. When she turned to face me, my heart sank as I took in her expression.

She seemed sad, a little confused and I would have bet that she had been crying.

Did I do this? Did we go too far?

There were so many questions in my head, but she just smiled weakly at me and stood up.

“Hey” – she said, and pressed a soft, short kiss to my lips. – “Would you like some coffee?”

“Yes, please.” – I said and followed her to the kitchen quietly.

She poured me coffee and added just the right amount (way too much) sugar and milk to it before handing it to me.

I watched her carefully, and managed to confuse myself more than ever.

Something was going on, but I could not put a finger on it. She was very quiet, but she did not keep me at arm’s length. I couldn’t figure out if she regretted the night before or something else was bothering her.

Since the storm cleared I had no reason to stay any longer, and although I wanted to find out what was happening, I also wanted to go home and check on the others. Lexa was not going to talk to me before she was ready anyway.

“I should head home I think. “ – I said after getting dressed and she nodded.

“Yeah. Make sure Raven didn’t burn down the house, huh?” – she teased with a slight smile.

“Something like that. I also wanna know more about this whole snow-man thing.”

She laughed, and walked me to the door. Her face turned back to serious, and she pulled me in for the softest hug I had ever had. 

“Be safe!” – She whispered before pulling away. – “The school administration will let you know when the parking-lot is cleared and you can pick up your car. It is protocol.”

“Right!” – I wasn’t sure what else to say, but then she leaned in a briefly connected her lips to mine.

“Bye, Clarke!” – she said with a small smile.

To say that I was confused was an overstatement. my head was twirling all the way as I was walking home, barely appreciating that most of the roads were cleared of the snow, and traffic was picking up.

“Mommmy!” – it was the first thing I heard before a tiny figure ran literally into me.

“Hey, baby! How is it going around here?” – I smiled down at my little man.

“Aunt Anya threw a snowball at Rae’s face. She is not happy.” – he said seriously.

I could hear the screaming and yelling coming from the back yard and found a very frustrated Raven trying to corner Anya. It was not very realistic considering she could barely walk in such a high snow, so I decided to use the fact that none of them seemed to notice me yet and made the perfect snowball to aim it ad Anya’s head.

I did not miss, and beside Anya’s ‘I will kill you’ glares I got tackled by a very grateful Raven.

“I love you, princess!” – she exclaimed right before she flipped Anya the bird.

“I am glad you are home!” – grumbled Anya sarcastically as we headed back into the living room.

Aden dragged me upstairs to the balcony barely 5 minutes into our conversation to show me Bob, the snowman that was currently residing there and soon enough I got to see all the pictures that documented his construction. I had to admit, there was no way Aden was actually in danger with all the safety equipment Raven put on him. It was probably more likely that he got injured while trying to get out of them in the end.

With all that I managed to get Lexa out of my mind for a while and it only came back when Anya asked about how we were dealing during the storm.

I gave a short description of what we did, leaving our night activities out of it of course, but I could tell that Anya noticed something was up. I mouthed ‘I will tell you later’ to her to let her know that I was not trying to hide anything any more and she just nodded happily, but in the end I didn’t get any alone time with her, so the story had to wait.

I got a late-evening email from the school stating that the school will be up and running on Monday, and any kid who did not show up needed the usual documentation for absence.

Raven was happy to drive me and Aden to school in the morning so I can pick up my car, before she drove off to some important meeting (on her day off).

The teacher that was waiting at Aden’s classroom was not familiar at all, but I tried not to think too much into it. Lexa could be late, or otherwise occupied of course, but I was still hoping to see her. Some part of my believed that by seeing her I could understand more what went down over the weekend.

I didn’t have much time to contemplate on her absence most of the week, and since I didn’t work up the courage to text her or call her I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on.

Friday rolled around and that was the first day that I could both drop Aden off and pick him up and I was determined to talk to Lexa. Even if it meant going up to the teachers’ lounge. I was sure I could come up with some Aden-related question.

But the person welcoming the students in the morning was the same as on Monday and she was still sending them off for the weekend when I got there, and she looked at me questioningly.

“Who are you picking up, Mrs …?” – she asked.

“Miss! And it is Griffin. I am Aden Collins’ mom.” – I said in a tone that could have been friendlier.

“Right.” – she seemed taken aback a little. – “Aden, your mother is here!” – she called out to Aden.

“Excuse me, but where is Miss Woods?” – I asked while Aden was grabbing his jacket.

“Miss Woods is on sabbatical at the moment.” – she answered a little warily.

“Do you happen to know when she will be back?” – I asked in a softer tone, trying not to show my disappointment, and confusion.

“I am sorry, I wouldn’t be able to tell you, even if I knew.” – she said, but she clearly noticed my friendlier attitude. – “As a substitute, they can hire us for a minimum of 3 month, so I assume she will be back within that time frame.” – she added.

3 month?! What the hell? I was getting more that frustrated. She couldn’t have just left because of sleeping with me, could she? That was insane. 

“Hey buddy!” – I glanced down to Aden, snapping out of my own thoughts. – “How was your week?”

He was buckling up in the back seat and he looked up with an unusually unimpressed face.

“It was okay.”

“Okay?” – he was normally full of stories at the end of the day.

“Well, Miss Kraut is nice, but I miss Lexa. I mean Miss Woods.”

I want sure what to say, I missed her too, and it made me really angry that she just took off. If she left on Monday she must have known it over the weekend, and I refused to believe that her sudden absence was my fault.

Aden was quietly humming along the radio while I was fuming by the wheel, and was thoroughly upset by the time we got home.

Aden raced into the house and I followed with a lot more noise than normally. As I slammed the front door shut with a little too much force, Anya’s curious face came into view.

“Rough day?” – she grinned.

I rolled my eyes and passed her without bothering to answer.

I was really glad that Octavia was taking Aden to ski-school so I had some time to calm down, as right now I felt like punching someone and Anya seemed to pick up on that.

“Spill!” – she ordered as she sat across from me in the kitchen.

My eyes darted to the stairs afraid of Aden coming down, but Anya shoot me off.

“He will take longer than a bride to get ready, you know that. What is going on?”

“Lexa. She is gone.”

“I figured it was about her. What do you mean she is gone?”

“She hasn’t been to school the whole week, and I asked the substitute where she was, and she said she is on sabbatical. Maybe for 3 month.”

Anya stayed quiet for a moment.

“And you think it is because of whatever happened last weekend that you haven’t told me about yet.”

She looked at me questioningly and I nodded.

“We, ahm, we kinda slept together again.” – I said quietly, but I could feel my anger rise again as I said it out loud. “And now she is gone, and I have no clue what is happening, and it is driving me crazy.” – I sighed.

We both heard the honk from in front of the house and Anya grinned.

“O is here for Aden. And so we are free to go and hit some heavy bags until you feel better. Rae is at work till later anyways.”

Going to the gym was not my first idea for a Friday evening, but right now I was welcoming the idea happily.

So we packed Aden into Octavia’s car and I rushed upstairs to change out of my work clothes. Any a got her boxing gloves and we drove to her gym.

By the rime we were done, I was barely standing on my feet. Boxing took all my energy, but I was welcoming the feeling, because it didn’t leave any energy for me to be angry.

We came home just when Raven rolled up to the house and she took in our sporty attire.

“Griff? Did you work out?” – she asked sarcastically, but I was still not in the best mood.

“Fuck off, Reyes!”

“Okaay? What got your panties in a bunch?” – she asked a little offended.

“Just leave me alone, will ya?” – I guess boxing was not enough after all.

“Is it Lexa?” – she asked in a sympathetic voice that was very rare for Raven.

My head snapped to her face and then briefly to Anya’s.

“I know. About the two of you, I mean.” – she said carefully. – “Not that any of you wanted to tell me.” – she shot an accusing look at Anya.

“It was not my secret to tell, Rae!” – Anya said slowly, but I could tell that Raven was not angry; maybe a little disappointed, but that was probably of me.

“Clarke, she is not gone because of what happened with the two of you.” – Raven turned to me as we settled in the living room.

“Did she tell you that?” – I was not entirely sure just how much Raven knew.

“Okay, look! I might only know about you guys since Monday when I drove her to the airport…” – she trailed off as she took in the fire in my eyes.

“You know about everything since Monday, and you didn’t say a word? You knew she was leaving the whole week, didn’t you?” – I was happy to direct my anger to her.

“Common, Clarke! If you wanted me to be a part of this you would have included me, so don’t put this on me!” – Raven was hard to argue with sometimes.

“You are her best friend. It seemed the right thing to do to let her involve you if she wanted.” – I said with a lot less venom.

“I know, and I get it. So please, stop biting my head off!”

I nodded and waited for her to continue.

“What I know for now is that she does like you. And the weekend put a lot of things in perspective for her. You seemed to talk some sense into her stubborn head about keeping everyone at arm’s length.” – she said, and her expression was grateful to my biggest surprise.

“So then why did she leave without a word? She seemed off already on Sunday morning.” – I really couldn’t put the pieces together just yet.

Raven seemed to be struggling with whatever she wanted to say, looking between me and Anya like she was looking for an easier way to say it.

She took a deep breath and looked at me – she seemed to almost pity me and my throat went dry.

“Sunday, before you woke up she got a call from Indra Porter.”

That didn’t really say anything to me and I was sure Raven knew that.

“I don’t know if you remember, but Finn’s big boss was Thelonius Jaha.” – I nodded. – “He run all the operations around the department and about a year ago he went down, charged with treason.”

Now that was news. I didn’t really know anything about the FBI since Finn’s death.

“It was Indra who was rising fast in a department that had a lot of work together with ours that found some inconsistencies in some of our cases and consequently she managed to prove that Jaha was corrupting evidence and had major connections with a few criminal organisations. He manipulated information to their benefit and basically organised which cases should be successful for the FBI and thus get more funding and which should fail and benefit the criminals.”

“Wow, he was deciding on the cases based on the highest bidder’s interest?” – asked Anya stunned.

“Yeah. He went as far as sacrificing agents if needed. We had the highest success rate in the Bureau, but also the highest death-ratio.” – she said with an emotion I could not define; anger, sadness, rage, devastation?

“How is this relevant to Lexa?” – I asked, not sure I wanted to hear the answer.

“Indra got promoted after her case proved Jaha’s intervention in multiple cases and took over his department about half a year ago, with the intention of clearing all of the conspicuous cases that cost us lives during Jaha’s time in office.” – I had a bad feeling of knowing where this was going. – “She called Lexa Sunday morning to ask her to go to New York. They have enough evidence that suggest that Costia might be alive, and willingly or forcefully being involved in one of Jaha’s corrupt cases.”

“How do you mean she can be alive?” – I was dumbstruck.

“They never found her body. They found blood, and DNA and I think some of her ribs that was enough to consider her dead.” – she said watching me carefully. – “Lexa never got to say goodbye, but the evidence they found made it so sure that Costia was dead that nobody was questioning it.”

Hearing it this way convinced me already that Costia had to be alive.

“Clarke? Indra didn’t call Lexa to say they found Costia. She only asked her to New York to show her the evidence they found so far. She and Lexa were getting on really well, as well as any strictly professional relationship can go, and she wanted to give her the chance to be involved.”

“I’m pretty sure how this ends.” – I said mainly to myself.

“You don’t know that.” – said Anya but even she was not convinced.

We were quiet for a while.

“Does it make me a monster that I am jealous of Lexa that she did not get to bury Costia back then, so she could have hope to hold on to now?” – I asked the one thing that was swirling in my head.

I saw Finn’s body, I knew enough of medicine to know that he could not have been saved, and I knew him enough to be sure it was him we lowered into the ground. And because Lexa went through something that until now I considered even worse – because finding your lover’s blood and bones, and never her body to say farewell to was just plain cruel – she did have hope now. Hope that I will never have.

“No, Clarke!” – said Anya quietly, and as our eyes met, I saw her thoughts were in line with mine.

“Babe!” – started Raven. – “We don’t know anything, Indra barely managed to question the validity of the collected evidence on Costia’s case.”

“Well, I hope she is alive.” – I said honestly. – “Lexa deserves to be happy.”

“Even if she is alive, it doesn’t mean Lexa will go back to her.” – said Anya.

“And why wouldn’t she?” - I asked sarcastically.

“Would you be so sure you would pick Finn instead of Lexa if it was an option right now?” – asked Anya with a knowing expression.

I didn’t have an answer if I was being honest. Finn was so far away that I could simply not place them into my life simultaneously. 

My silence was enough for Anya, but I could not afford to have hope Lexa felt the same way. 

“And if Costia is alive, it means she was part of the conspiracy, once way or another.” – Raven said thoughtfully.

I still didn’t say anything. What kind of person was I, if I wished that she was either still dead or a criminal? For Lexa’s sake I had to hope that Costia was innocent and alive. And I had to be okay with that.


	12. Family-thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slight delay, life got in the way a little bit :)
> 
> Abby is finally showing up, and the gang is getting together for the holidays.
> 
> It is a shorter chapter, but I'll try to get the next one ready soon.

Lexa called me the weekend after the snow storm. She didn’t go into a lengthy explanation, but as soon as I heard her voice I ceased to be mad at her. She sounded hollow, and all I could tell her that she didn’t need an explanation, that Raven filled me in. She was quiet after that, and when she spoke again, there was a new emotion in her voice “Clarke, I am so sorry!”. I tried to sound hopeful, and tell her to have hope, because what else can you wish for in a situation like this. I would kill to have Finn back in our lives.

And so we were heading for the holidays in the weirdest of moods, and honestly, the least festive way we have done ever since Aden was born. Of course we did the traditions and decorated and prepared, but somehow the mood was gloomy. 

Raven was extensively careful around me, which frustrated me to no ends – the woman I knew was a ticking bomb, not an overly caring mother hen - , Anya seemed to be waiting out the weirdness between me and Raven, and Aden (together with Oli) simply missing Miss Woods – for the first time in my life I had to hear Aden use a word he learnt from Auntie Raven and in reference to the poor substitute teacher who was, as far as we knew, having a huge trouble disciplining the class that most of the school thought to be the best behaving one.

I put all my hope into my mother, who was finally visiting us in our new life and was bound to order the gang to be all chirpy and Christmassy.

She was arriving a full week before Christmas, and we decided that she was the best reason to get Aden to help with all the cleaning that needed to be done. We were hosting a rather large ‘family’ dinner and we were determined to make it into tradition – on Anya’s insistence. Raven was only not teasing about it because she was put in the dog house a few nights before, for a reason they both agreed I didn’t need to know.

The night before my mom was arriving we were having a glass of vine by the fire and just relaxed after a tough day of work and cleaning. Aden was already in bed, and the three of us decided to get our last trio night before the holidays hit.

‘Hey Clarkey!’ – Raven turned to me.

‘Hm?’ 

‘I kinda invited some extra guests for the dinner next week.’ – she seemed to be nervous and kept glancing at Anya, who sternly stared back.

‘I don’t mind. Mom is cooking, and you know she would say the more the merrier.’ – I wasn’t even sure why she was acting like she needed my permission, normally we had enough common sense to keep things acceptable by the others.

Anya elbowed Raven pretty harshly and I raised a brow – what the hell is going on?

‘Well, the thing is, I invited Lexa.’ – she said even more nervously. – ‘They are coming back to Arkadia on the weekend and I felt bad for having to spend it… you know, just the two of them, when we will have all the rest of the gang, and they are her friends too, and I thought maybe Aden would be happy to have her around again…’

She was going on and on, and I was just sitting there, frozen in place, while my mind ran away with what I just heard.

Lexa was coming. That was not exactly bad news, in last few weeks – or at least before the storm – I started to look forward to Christmas and was almost sure we would end up inviting her.

What I was not prepared for was the second person. 

I was really trying to be the better person, coaching myself to wish that Costia was alive, that Lexa will get back at least one of all the people that she had lost. But to host the very reunion of that event? To see them together, to have them interact with all the people that mean so much to me? I guess I was selfish after all. Because I might have voiced that Lexa deserved to have a new chance, but I never imagined that it would mean I had to share my life, my people with Costia.

‘Raven, you are an idiot!’ – I heard Anya cutting off Raven’s rant, while staring at my terrified expression. ‘You are giving her the wrong idea.’

Raven, who until now had her eyes darting all over the place except me focused on my face and you could literally tell the moment she realised what must be going through my mind.

‘Oh! Nonononono! That’s …. shit, Clarke, that is not what I am saying.’ – She would have actually looked funny if I was not panicking so much. – ‘Gustus! She is bringing Gustus home with her.’ – my brain slowly started to process. – ‘As I said before, your little speech, or whatever you did, helped her realise she should stop pushing people away.’ – she was smiling at me now, relieved that I was breathing normal again. – ‘She went to see him in New York, and she ended up inviting the guy to spend Christmas together. He was suuuper happy about it.’

I even managed to smile a bit in the end.

‘You thought Costia, didn’t you?’ – asked Anya.

‘Yeah.’ – I admitted, but laughed when Anya smacked Raven in the back of her head.

***

My mom arrived the day after, and I didn’t even realise just how much I missed the woman. She was crazy, and a workaholic, but she always made time for us. She was living in London, and I cannot believe we just went months with just skyping.

The preparations suddenly got very organised, and the house really smelled like home. Aden was back to his grinning, happy self, tailing his grandma and assisting with every single task she did. I loved to just stand outside the kitchen door listening to their easy and sweet conversation about everything.

Christmas Eve was truly magical in the tiny town of Arkadia. The mountains were thickly covered in snow, and everything was twinkling with billions of tiny lights. 

We opened presents, and helped mom with the dinner preparations and soon enough the Linc and O showed up in full Christmas gear.

While they settled in the living room and put their presents under the tree, my mom finished the last touches in the kitchen and I managed to settle everything on the tables.

When the bell rung, I volunteered to get the door, as most of the ‘local residents’ were still all over the place, getting ready.

I opened the door to a large, man with thick beard and a face tattoo, and for a second I could not decide whether I wanted to scream, run for my life or give in to fate and have a heart attack. He smiled at me and suddenly a feeling of familiarity hit me. He was probably the scariest looking guy I would have ever expected to stand on my doorstep, but his eyes were the warmest, and their green was about a shade lighter than my personal favourite,

‘Merry Christmas!’ – he greeted and pulled me into a hug. ‘You must be Clarke! I heard so much about you.’ – he continued while cracking probably every joint to its place in my back.

‘You must be Gustus.’ – I said weakly, trying to force some air back into my lungs. – ‘Please come in!’

As I stepped aside, I finally caught the eyes of Lexa standing behind him.

‘Hi!’ – she said quietly.

‘Hey, common in!’ – my voice was a new level softer, and I almost blushed at her smile.

When will the cheesy, awkward teenager exit my body? Seriously?

‘GUUUUS!’ – I heard Raven, and wondered for a brief second if she ever had a chance to meet him with all the incognito-bullshit going on at the FBI.

‘They are good buddies.’ – I heard Lexa say quietly, like she guessed what I was thinking. – ‘We had a mishap at the academy, and they have been thick as thieves ever since.’ – she smiled.

Truth be told, Raven was very happy to see the guy, and she practically climbed that giant man just to be able to squeeze his neck, which, given her brace was pretty amazing.

‘This is Abby, Clarkey’s better version.’ – I heard her introducing him. – ‘Something probably went wrong at the update, right Abs?’ – her flirty voice made me rolled my eyes. – ‘I personally prefer the original version of course.’

‘We knooow!’ – came the chorus of Anya and Lincoln.

Lexa was just standing there with an amused expression and raised brow. I just shake my head and yelled towards Raven.

‘Stop hitting on my mom, Reyes! It is Christmas for God’s sake.’

‘Don’t be a mood killer, Clarkey! – came the response immediately. – ‘But don’t worry, I promised Woods not to, ever, become her in-law.’

She came in my view just in time for me to see her wink at my very confused mom.

‘Whose in-law?’ – she asked confused and there were a few other faces that seemed to lost track of the conversation.

‘MISS WOOOOOODS!!!’

Aden finally looked up from his new toy – oblivious of all that was happening in the room – and noticed Lexa lingering behind me.

The little man sprang into action in no time, and raced through the room to jump into Lexa’s arms, whose face broke into a grin as she watch my baby boy approaching.

Aden’s impact was marked by an ‘Umph’, but Lexa impressively managed to stay on her feet.

‘Where have you been? We missed you. Ooo, Oli will be so happy!!!’ – he kept talking partly to himself as he hang onto Lexa who, by the looks of it was melting just like I was.

When I turned back to my mom to introduce our guest I could tell that she had made the connection between Lexa and Raven’s inappropriate comment. 

More the merrier my ass. I loved having all our peps together, but it took my mom less than a second to have a topic she can drill me about for the rest of her stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in the next chapter Abby and Raven's very first encounter will be revealed :D


	13. Jingle Bells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Christmas dinner and their weird tradition of story telling :)

The house was filled with happiness and laughter. Lexa was sitting next to me by Aden and Oli’s insistence, while my mom was across from me, on the other end of the table. As I looked around my family, I felt overwhelmed just how happy I was that we moved here. This house was full of Life, with a capital letter and even if it was sometimes hard, I saw it the smiles around the table that it was the best thing we could have done.

Aden and Oli quickly asked to be excused so they can try to play with as many of their Christmas presents as possible, leaving the adults to fend for themselves.  
Sitting there and watching them was so soothing. Murphy and Emori were our new edition, but they were close with Bellamy and Echo which automatically placed them on our good list. Gustus seemed to be charming just about everyone and I wondered how Lexa managed to keep such a warm, loving person at arms length.

I didn’t have to wait long for an answer, it was all in her worried, but fond smile as she watched her only family interact with Raven: she believed she was protecting him. And she would go through hell and back for making sure he was okay.

And then there was Anya and Lincoln. My siblings through it all. At first I didn’t understand how fiercely they held on to us with Aden. What I knew of their lives, they could have just as easily walk away. But they didn’t. And seeing them now, Lincoln ever so politely helping my mom with such devotion, and Anya, who offered to take care of dessert, subtly waiting to see what she thought of the truffle and visibly relax into a happy smile when Abby equally subtly let her know it was great – the exchange unseen by everyone else but me. She became their mom just as much as she was mine.

‘You look like you are in a zone.’ – came a soft whisper out of nowhere. – ‘Are you okay?’

If anyone else was talking to me, I would have probably jumped out of my seat, but with Lexa’s quiet words, I just smiled.

‘I am just… watching.’ – smiled fondly as I turned to her. – ‘They are so… I don’t know.’

‘Happy?’ – she smiled too.

‘Yeah. I don’t remember being like this in a long time.’ – I admitted in a whisper, almost scared if I said it too loud it would break.

‘So!’ – came Raven’s much louder voice from the middle. – ‘I think it is time to bring out some embarrassing stories of our hosts, don’t you think? It is our tradition.’ – she winked at Anya.

Truth be told, it was. Ever since we had Christmas together, it always ended up with at least half the participants sipping their vines with hot-red faces at some point.

‘Abby? Any fun story to share with the family?’ – she grinned.

‘Raven! Why does she always have to be in the spotlight? I know you prefer her over me, but every single Christmas you make me listen!’ – I whined pouting.

‘Well, Clarkey, as long as she shares, I will not stop her.’ – she said in the most evil tone as she turned to my mom. – ‘So Abs, how does it feel to know that you get more action than your lovely daughter over there?’ – she asked completely unphased, using her spoon as a mock-microphone while I groaned.

Most of our guests, who were not used to the exchange looked horrified, while both Anya and Lincoln seemed to grin behind their glasses, looking between the three of us.

‘Just how exactly would you know anything about my “action-life”, my dear Raven?’ – asked my mom, ever so politely. 

I never understood how Raven could not get under her skin.

‘Well, it is not hard to guess, given the intel I have about Clarkey.’ – she grinned devilishly.

Mom at least had the decency to look at me apologetically, while many of our guests were still silently following the conversation. 

‘I mean, maybe she is like her mom, and in that case we won’t be sharing any stories of her today, but common, Abby, you cannot be so mild. I meant, you look stunning. It must work on the gents.’ – Raven pushed.

‘Well, it does work, but it is not like you have to know about it.’

My mom’s words were out before she could catch them. Anya’s vine ended up coughed up on her plate and Lincoln howled loudly, before handing over 5 euros to a grinning Raven.

‘Didn’t even need 5 minutes, dude.’ – he laughed. 

Another tradition: the evil trio betting on how long it will take to break me or my mom.

While the table slowly settled, my mom sending death-stares at Raven, while our innocent guests started to slowly ease up around I felt a hand on my tight.

‘At least you seem to be catching up a little.’ – Lexa whispered flirtily in my ear, and goose bumps rose on my arm as I took in her dark green eyes.

‘It seems like I am.’ – I smiled back, not sure where her flirtiness was coming from.

From the corner of my eye I saw my mom watching us, so as reluctantly as ever, but I put a little distance between us. Lexa didn’t seem to mind, catching up on thighs fast as she usually does.

Instead of falling into an easy conversation with Lexa – admittedly also being afraid that the mix of vine and her proximity might break down some of my common sense – I called for attention.

‘I think it is time for our lovely tradition’ – I openly stared at Raven. – ‘to showcase one of my favourite stories in our family.’ – I grinned devilishly at Raven. – ‘Mom? Do you mind doing the honours?’

I loved the fact that even though she tried to take it like a champ, Raven was still blushing furiously. 

‘Of course honey. Where do I begin?’ – teased my mom, happily on board with the idea. 

_‘It was a rainy grey Saturday morning in London, about four years ago. Abby was spending every Saturday morning at Clarke and Anya’s making pancakes by the time they and Aden woke up and Lincoln would show up around halfway through breakfast._

_As any other day she was quietly opening the front door with a massive amount of groceries and baby stuff in her hands when she heard quiet noises from the kitchen, which was just strange as Anya worked late into the night and always had to be dragged out of bed with fresh coffee, and Clarke would not leave her bed until pancakes were ready. If Aden woke up, she would just bring him over to her bed for some cuddles, in hope for some extra nap-time._

_So slightly spooked out Abby rounded the corner, half prepared for anything in between a scared raccoon and an axe murderer. What came into her view however, was not on her prep-list._

_A butt naked Raven Reyes quietly humming to herself while swiftly making coffee. The sound that startled Raven was the grocery bags hitting the floor and a quiet gasp that left Abby’s lips._

_‘Who the hell are you?’ – exclaimed Abby, unaware that Clarke was lying in her bed awake, listening to Anya’s yet another one-night stand to leave._

_Clarke was not only listening, she quietly checked her watch a few times, hoping that her mom would not be late, so she could finally listen to her mom scolding Anya over breakfast, instead of trying to convince Clarke to get out more. Well, she got her wish._

_‘Hi Mrs Griffin!’ – came Raven’s surprisingly even voice – surprising Clarke to now end. – ‘I am Raven, we… uhm … met at the…. funeral.’ – her bravado was quickly fading as she wasn’t just standing in front of a woman totally naked, but she even extended one of her arms for what? A handshake? While the other was partly covering her breasts, leaving the rest of her body exposed as ever._

_‘Right.’ – Abby said, and instead of taking the girl’s hand, she grabbed an apron and shoved it into her extended hand._

_Raven took it like a life jacket and quickly put it on to try to at least have the pretence of dignity._

_‘So, Raven? May I ask why are you in my daughter’s kitchen in… ahm … such an underdressed state?’_

_Clarke was biting her pillow at this point, trying not to laugh out loud. It was so much her mom not to just let the poor girl go, but to drill her a little._

_‘I was… sleeping here. Not with Clarke’ – she added panicking. – ‘Anya! I was sleeping with Anya!’ – she looked relived for a second before trying to mend the situation even further. – ‘I mean…. you know…’_

_Yeah, that was not Raven Reyes’ smoothest morning._

_‘I think I know Raven.’ – said Abby amused. – ‘Well, in that case, why don’t you stay, and have breakfast with us?’_

_‘No!’ – said Raven much faster than it would be acceptable. – ‘I mean, I wouldn’t want to intrude…’_

_But before she could continue, Abby stepped in again._

_‘I insist, the more the merrier. It would be so nice to have Anya’s girlfriend to join us.’_

_Clarke decided that it was time to emerge from her room and check out Raven’s obviously terrified expression._

_‘Morning, mom! Reyes!’ – she greeted, passing naked Raven in an apron and her grinning mom in search for coffee._

_‘Hi Clarke!’ – she heard from both of them – although Raven’s voice was a little higher than usual._

_Raven quickly used Clarke appearance to excuse herself to Anya’s room, from where they could hear Anya’s loud laughter as soon as Raven entered the room._

_She ended up spending the morning with them and a rather confused Lincoln, and essentially, this marked the beginning of Anya and Raven’s actual, adult relationship after month of casual hook ups. It also marked the start of Raven and Abby’s borderline inappropriate flirty exchanges._

‘Well, I am still sure you enjoyed the view, Abs!’ – announced Raven.

‘Sure I did!’ – Abby mocked back as the rest of the table were rolling with laughter.

***

It was getting very late, and although they promised the kids they can stay up with them, Oli has already fallen asleep on the carpet, and so Bellamy and Echo decided to go home. So did Murphy and Emori.

Gustus and Raven were enthralled in a way to scientific conversation, and not wanting to disturb them, Lexa volunteered to help putting Aden to bed.

My baby was happily curling into her neck while she carried him to bed with me in tow, and I could feel my mother’s eyes on us once again. But I couldn’t care less, when I was so comfortable in this presence, with Aden in Lexa’s arms, and the both of us taking him to bed.

He was out before his head hit the pillow, and a feeling of calmness washed over me as we worked together to get him in his pyjamas and into bed.

‘Thanks!’ – I whispered as she pulled his door closed behind us.

‘Don’t mention it. I missed your little angel.’ – she said and I couldn’t help smile at the choice of words.

‘My angel?’

Lexa was tipsy, and God, tipsy Lexa was the cutest thing as she pouted.

‘You know what I mean. He is just so good.’ – she explained hastily. – 'I call him a little angel in my head sometimes.' – she mumbled, clearly not intended for me to hear.

I couldn’t help myself when I tiled her chin up so I could kiss her pouty lips, but I was not prepared for the ferocity of her response. Before I knew it I was pressed up against the opposite wall, her tight between my legs, and both of us heaving with desire.

‘Khm!’ – and we broke apart blushing furiously at a very amused Raven. – ‘As much as I enjoyed the show, and will most certainly recite it as next Christmas’ best story, Gustus would like to go home, and for some reason I didn’t manage to convince him to leave you here.’ – she pointed at Lexa. – ‘You got two minutes.’ – she throw it over her shoulder as she walked down the stairs.

Lexa was smiling at me sheepishly and she connected our lips once more briefly.

‘Merry Christmas, Clarke!’

‘Merry Christmas, Lex!’

Maybe more the merrier was not too bad after all.


	14. Do you know what to wish for?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The calm start of the new year, just before the pieces start crumbling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in the updates, I ll try to be better :)  
> Please, let me know what you think! :D

I woke up smiling on Christmas morning. There was just something calming about having all the people over in our new home. And I won`t lie, kissing Lexa was also not a bad Christmas present.

I quietly went downstairs, half expecting to be the first to be awake, only to find my mom lounging on the sofa by the window reading some medical journal and sipping coffee.

“Morning, honey!” – she smiled.

“Morning, Mom! Why are you up so early?”

She just shrugged, she was always up at the crack of dawn.

“I should ask you the same question.” – she smiled.

I didn’t exactly have a reason so I just grinned back and headed for the kitchen to grab some coffee.

As we were quietly sipping our coffees my mom turned to me, and I knew what she was gonna say before she even made a sound.

“So you and Lexa, huh?”

“Mom!” – I warned half-heartedly.

“What? I don’t need Raven’s not so subtle comments to see something is going on. I got eyes, you know?” – she smiled.

“What do you want me to say? I don’t know what we are doing.” – I said, only half lying.

The thing was, no matter how good it felt to be with her, knowing that it can all come crashing down the minute Indra had some updates on Costia made the whole thing feel like being on standby.

“Nothing.” – said Mom honestly. – “I am just glad that there is _something_ happening.” – she winked and I groaned.

“It is just complicated.”

“I bet it is.” – she was teasing, but she didn't drill me further, and I felt relieved that Raven did actually hold her mouth regarding Costia.

“Do you want to talk about Marcus?” – I tried to change the subject and I knew I succeeded when her cheeks went pink.

“There is nothing to talk about.”

But I knew my mom and all her defensive tones.

“He could have joined us here, you know?” – I said quietly, knowing all too well that my mom still felt guilty for having any feelings for the guy.

He became part of our lives not long after my dad passed away, and turned out to be the one person that my mom didn’t manage to scare away. He was a widow, his wife – who turned out to be my mom’s high-school best friend, Callie – died in child-birth, leaving a grieving man and their son to fend for themselves.

He transferred to my mom’s hospital half a year after dad’s accident, and they bonded over Callie and Jake, and my mom found a little purpose in trying to help him deal with Jordan entering puberty. 

Both him and Jordan became a regular at our Christmas table, practically becoming family. I knew he cared for her on a level she was not ready for for a long time, but he settled to be her friend. That was almost 10 years ago, and the last few years seemed like she was finally catching up to him.

“He was spending it with Jordan. He finally came home from travelling.” – she smiled fondly.

“They could have both been here.” – I insisted.

„Clarke!” 

„Look! I am not trying to interrogate you. But you know Jordan loves you, and I have been on board with the two of you for longer than you actually realised there was a two of you.”

“What?” – she seemed surprised, and I mentally high-fived myself when she added: “Since when do you know?”

“A few years.” – I smiled watching her eyes go wide. – “All I am saying, that we’ve all been rooting for you to figure it out. We want you to be happy, mom.”

“We?” – she shighed, dropping her head into her palms.

“What do you think?” – I asked rhetorically, she knew exactly who I meant.

I blew a kiss on the top of her head and walked to the kitchen, grinning like a fool, because this was the first time ever I managed to get her to lower all those walls that have been in place since Dad left.

***

Mom went home before New Year’s Eve and I had a good feeling who she was going to spend it with. As for the rest of our family, we spent a very nice, cosy new year’s weekend in the mountains just with Anya, Raven, Linc and O, skiing, playing games, eating marshmellows by the fire and simply being together.

January started out slow like it always did, and I was expectant about what is next. I couldn’t shake the feeling that the calmness of the first few weeks of the year was only a preparation for what was coming.

I did spend more time with Lexa, and although we didn’t sleep together, and we did not acknowledge that we might be dating, I was mostly content with how things were going. The only dilemma I faced was how to take our almost-relationship to be an actual one.

The first weekend in February Anya and Raven were taking Aden for a little trip, leaving the house all for me, and I really wanted to ask Lexa to come and spend the weekend with me. I was imagining various scenarios to how I should ask her, but my nerves were getting the best of me. 

So when Friday rolled around and I went to the school with the girls to pick up Aden and say them goodbye before they hit the road, I was nearly hyper as I waved them off.  
I wanted to ease into asking Lexa by asking her what she was up to later, and did not expect to hear that she had some meeting out of town right after school was out. And I effectively chickened out from asking her, even though a meeting Friday afternoon was not exactly going to last the whole weekend, was it?

So Saturday morning came around with me moping around alone, scolding myself for being so stupid.

All the grumpiness was interrupted by tentative knocks on our front door, and I found Lexa on the porch. She smiled weakly at me, and memories of the morning after the snowstorm floated in my mind as I looked at her.

“Hey!” – she said quietly.

“Hi!” – I said slowly, and quickly remembered the last time she came over to our house looking, well, a lot worse than this, bust still quite similar. – “Raven is not home. She and Anya took Aden to Innsbruck for the weekend.”

She smiled again, and quirked and eyebrow.

“I mean, you kinda looked like you wanted your best friend, you know. But you can also talk to me, I’d like if you did. But, you know you don’t…”

She silenced my rambling with a soft kiss, practically swallowing my _’have to’ _.__

__“I know she is out of town. I wanted to talk to see you.” – she said, and my chest burst with feelings for the sad woman in front of me. – “I’m not gonna lie, something happened – as I’m sure, based on your rambling, that you could tell.”_ _

__I nodded as I let her through the door._ _

__I made a cup of tea for both of us, and joined her on the couch in the living room. She had a look, and she placed both of the cups on the coffee table, before claiming my lips, and we were soon heaving. There was something new in the way she was kissing me, something more than just desire, maybe desperation, and when she moved to straddle me, and started pulling on the bottom of my shirt, it broke me out of me Lexa-trance._ _

__“Wait!” – I breathed and she backed away immediately, searching my face._ _

__“Did I do something wrong?” – she asked breathless and she seemed to be struggling focusing her mind to the conversation._ _

__Her confused face was so adorable it made me chuckle. I could tell she wasn’t trying to play dumb, she was probably trying to get herself distracted from whatever happened and it was clearly working._ _

__“No, nothing like that.” – I assured her. – “But something is going on, and I am not sure that we shouldn’t talk about it first.”_ _

__Her face displayed quite a few emotions to that. Something was up, and it was making her sad-confused, that was clear, but implying that we could continue our activity later seemed to add some playfulness into the mix._ _

__She sighed and climbed off of me. And I waited as she seemed to be searching for the words._ _

__“Costia is alive.” – she managed to say just above a whisper, and I froze._ _

__Yeah, the world did start shaking a little._ _

__***_ _

__I wasn’t sure what to say._ _

__Part of me always wished Costia was alive, or at least part of me _wanted_ to wish that._ _

__But hearing it was a whole new level, and confused me to no end. I always thought that if she was indeed alive, that meant my days with Lexa were numbered, because not Anya, not Raven, not anyone could convince me that I stood a chance against a woman that drove Lexa to a two-year self-imposed exile._ _

__But here she was, on my couch, her clothes still a bit dishevelled from the hot make-out session we just had, and she did all this knowing that Costia was out somewhere in the world still breathing._ _

__“Since when do you know?” – was the first thing I manage to ask to break the heavy silence._ _

__“Yesterday afternoon.”_ _

__“The meeting?”_ _

__“Indra was on a conference in Italy, when she got the news, so she decided to drive up here to meet me and give me the news personally.”_ _

__“Did she say anything else? Like where is Costia, or how they found her?”_ _

__I didn’t really know how to ask all the swirling questions in my head. The most important being whether Costia was in on the corruption – whether she choose to leave Lexa and break her heart, or if she was forced to._ _

__“She didn’t have much.” – said Lexa even quieter than before. – “She did say they found her on the headquarters of one of Jaha’s main partners,” – she took a deep breath to finish the sentence – “working in their office.”_ _

__My heart fell._ _

__“Did the force her to be there?” – I had to ask._ _

__“They don’t know yet.” – she said and finally found my eyes. – “For now it looks like she was there on her own accord.”_ _

__A tear escaped her watery eyes, and I pulled her into my chest as she sobbed._ _

__My eyes filled with tears too, and I quietly let them run down my cheeks, holding the broken woman I was falling for, crying for her beat and torn heart that has been through so much and yet life seemed to put it through even more._ _

__She cried for a long time, and when she finally quieted, exhaustion took over. I slowly lowered her body to the couch, and watched her features smooth out by sleep._ _


	15. Grey zone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Costia did have a choice. But things are not black and white - who you are and what you have to do to survive are two different things :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got a little long, but I didn't have the heart to cut it in half.  
> Let me know what you think of Costia's story

Lexa slept for a few hours, and I mainly just sat there, completely lost for words. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the turmoil and heartache she must have felt.

When she woke, she looked more lost than I have ever seen her.

“Hey!” – I started softly. – “What do you say I go and run you a warm, bubbly bath?”

She smiled and nodded, so I took off for the upstairs bathroom, and started digging in drawers for all the things I needed to make it the most relaxing bath ever.

I found some aromatherapic bath salts, and a couple of candles, while Aden’s unscented bubble solvent was starting to form a soft white layer on the top of the filling water. While the tub filled I kept on finding a speaker to put on some soft music and lighting the candles, only to stop in my tracks when I finally noticed Lexa leaning against the frame of the bathroom door, watching me move like little tornado with a soft smile.

“It’s nearly ready.” – I announced.

I felt nervous. Ever since she woke up she barely said a word, and suddenly I felt like I might be intruding. 

“I just need to get you a towel, and I’ll be out of your hair.” – I said quickly trying to pass next to her, but soft hands caught mine.

“Could you...” – the plea in her voice was evident. As I lifted my eyes to her face, waiting patiently as she struggled to continue. – “Would you… ahm… stay with me?” – she finished in the smallest of voices.

In that moment she seemed so little, so vulnerable and so-so much younger, and I could have never refused to do anything from her. Right there and then it came crashing down just how deeply and irrevocably in love I was with her.

“Of course, I’ll be right back. Just go ahead, and climb in.” – I said reassuringly, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.

By the time I made it back with the towels, she was already in the tub, absentmindedly drawing her fingers along the little foam islands. I didn’t know if her invitation to stay included this, but I quickly stepped out of my clothes too, and stepped in the tub behind her.

She didn’t move, or looked up until I was in, and even then, she simply leaned back onto my chest, and let her head fall onto my shoulder. My hands circled her waist and I could feel her tens body finally relax a little. 

Soft music was playing in the background and I made sure to add some hot water to the cooling contents of the tub to keep us warm. 

The rest of the day continued in quite the same manner. We merely revolved around each other, with few words here and there, but they were not necessary. So when the night fell and I held my hand out to Lexa and led her to my room, there was no questions asked; she lay down and I curled myself around her, holding on as tight as I could.

Apart from the initial make-out session, there was not one touch out of place, or even suggestive that day, and yet, I felt almost completely overwhelmed by how insanely intimate it felt. 

***

Anya and Raven arrived with Aden Sunday, just after lunch, and found us both napping on the couch. Their initial cooing of how cute we were was quickly replaced by concern as they took in our expression. Aden didn’t really know what was going on, and he was definitely too little to be involved, so he was – unlike any other time – allowed to go to his room and watch cartoons on Raven’s tablet.

“What happened?” – came Raven’s voice as soon as we could hear Aden’s door closing.

Lexa looked at me and nodded, so I filled them in on what we knew so far, including the short phone call from Indra that morning telling Lexa that she will be bringing Costia to Arkadia so they can talk through some of the things together. She wanted Raven to be there too, and all in all, she wanted to give Lexa the safest place to handle this, where she had people to lean on, who would catch her even if she stumbled.

So the rest of our Sunday went by in an awfully quiet mood. Raven was completely in her head, and I could only imagine what was going on in there. Mostly it was me and Anya who exchanged ever growing worried looks watching our girls.

While we were whipping up some dinner, Raven and Lexa started to have a quiet conversation in the living room.

“It’s a good sign, isn’t it?” – asked Anya nodding towards them.

“I hope so.” 

And while we carried on, their voices got loud enough for us to make out what they were saying.

“It should have been me, Lex.” – was the first we could hear. – “If I didn’t quit this mission was going to be mine. What if?” – Raven trailed off, visibly in shaking. – “What if this was the best choice she could have made? What if I would have done the same?”

“We don’t know that, Raven!” – Lexa’s stern voice surprised me.

Then again, they were best friends for a reason, they knew when to be tough for each other.

***

Lexa stayed the night and drove to school with me and Aden. This repeated itself for most of the week.

Wednesday, Indra called to make sure they had everything sorted, and asked Raven and Lexa to come up with an idea where they wanted to meet Costia, and who they wanted around for it.

So we sat together in our living room and made a full plan for the weekend. 

I hated to ship Aden off again, but I didn’t want him around for all this, so we made a quick plan with Octavia and Lincoln to take him and maybe try to squeeze in a playdate with Oli to keep him busy.

The most obvious place we could come up with was right in our house. It was safe to talk about even classified things – not considering that Anya and I were still simple civilians, or at least more so than Lexa and Raven’s new life after the Bureau.

“You don’t mind?” – asked Lexa cautiously.

“Do you feel safe here?” – I asked back, remembering how she slowly relaxed last weekend in this house, and she nodded.

“Then no, I would be happy if you guys were here, so I can be as close as you want me.”

I took her hand and she squeezed it.

“Will you even hold my hand?” – she teased.

“Whatever you need me to do.” – and I was not joking.

Part of me was a little anxious, because I knew we didn’t have all the facts – any facts really – but sometimes I didn’t want them to have to listen to Costia, I just wanted to punch her in the face and be done with it.

Friday Lexa texted me she wanted to stay home for the night and come over early to wait for Indra, but I didn’t even have to start pestering her about not wanting her to be alone, before she texted again, if I wanted to stay over with her.

Stepping into her apartment, the first thing I noticed just how overly clean everything was.

“Yeah, I nervous-cleaned.” – she smiled.

After the numbness of this week and the piled up nerves regarding tomorrow, I shouldn’t have even been surprised when Lexa kissed me with ferocity. In no time I was gasping for air and could hardly focus my mind to at least make sure this was really what she wanted – or needed.

“Lex!” – I breathed and I didn’t need to explain, nor did I really need an answer after the way she looked back at me, a broken plea falling from her lips.

“Please?”

If she was rougher than usual, I didn’t show her, but she still apologised after we exhausted ourselves in a few rounds hot sex and she found her own scratch marks on my back.

“I am sorry. I shouldn’t have let this happen.” – she seemed mortified as she ghosted her fingers over the dark red lines covering my skin.

“Don’t apologise!” – I scolded. If I was being honest, there was something incredibly arousing about a dominant, unrelenting Lexa in bed. – “You cannot hear me complain, can you?”

I wasn’t sure if she just let it go or she really understood what I was saying, but I made a mental note, that if the universe decided to give us a chance at this, I would make sure that she knew just how this new side of her effected me.

***

Morning rolled around, and all four of us were huddled in our living room, sipping coffee and waiting anxiously for what was to come.

I was just on my way back from the kitchen with the refill, when a sharp knock broke through the silent room. All of us stiffened, but it was Anya who jumped to her feet first.

“I’ll get it.” – she said, although I was sure that the other two was too much rooted in place to move.

The noise of greeting could be hard from the entrance and I just stood by the couch, feeling like the ground would open up beneath my feet any moment.

The door closed, and soon a sharp looking middle-aged woman in a dark suit stepped into the living room wearing a stoic expression. Her eyes stopped on both Raven and Lexa and nodded firmly, and then turned to me.

“You must be Clarke!” – something about her demeanour scared me to no end.

“It is nice to meet you, Indra, I assume.” – she nodded, but didn’t expect me to carry out any greeting ritual like hand-shakes or hugs.

The tension could be cut by this second as a second figure entered the room, and I could hear my own sharp inhale mirrored by Lexa.

Costia didn’t look like I imagined she would. She was slim, soft and very attractive. Her hazel eyes and soft brown hair dominated her face, and although she looked more than terrified, I expected her to have a radiant, addictive smile.

She didn’t look around or greet anyone, her eyes were glued to only one person in the room. Lexa.

And for a second I felt uncomfortable to be watching their reunion – there were so many emotions on the young woman’s face, and, although I heard plenty of stories about the commander’s unbreakable, stoic mask, Lexa’s face almost mirrored Costia’s.

The tension was broken, when a tiny person hurried up to wrap her tiny arms around Costia’s leg. The little girl couldn’t have been more than three, but she seemed brave enough as she was peeking curiously at us from behind Costia’s thigh.

When her eyes turned to me, I gasped – loud and unmistakable. She looked more or less a carbon copy of Costia, but the deep, forest green eyes that stared at me belonged to someone else. 

“Well, this seems to be unfolding just as awkwardly as it could be expected.” – came Anya’s sarcastic voice from the doorway. – “How about I take this little one upstairs to dig through Aden’s toys and find something worthy to play with, while you guys catch up?” – she asked, trying to sound sweet and nice for the little girl, who was now looking up at her mom, asking permission.

“It is okay, baby. You can go and play with Anya.”

The little one seemed to consider it for a second, but eventually she followed Anya out of the room.

“Please, take a seat!” – I started shakily, pointing at the unoccupied couch. – “I am Clarke, by the way. I am…” – I trailed off awkwardly, glancing at Lexa.

“She is family.” – interjected Raven in an ice-cold tone.

Costia visibly swallowed as she took a seat next to Indra, who, until now was silently observing all of us.

“So, I think we could start out slowly with what we managed to find out so far.” – she started but was interrupted by Lexa.

“Were you already pregnant when you decided to leave me?” – her voice was strong, but her hands were shaking, and her eyes were swimming in unshed tears.

“Lex.” – the soft, broken voice of Costia was heartbreaking.

I felt like this was maybe a bad idea. Maybe neither Raven, nor I should be present for this, but before I could suggest anything, Lexa’s shaking hand reached out subtly and I held on to it for dear life.

“How about we start from the beginning?” – tried Indra again, and this time Lexa let her.

“In the last week we discovered a lot of things in the De Marco case, and much of the evidence is backed up by independent sources.” – she looke pointedly at Raven, who spent the majority of her time sending death glares at Costia. – “Miss Green and her daughter were placed into the International Witness Protection Programme on Wednesday, after most of Miss Green’s involvement in the case have been disclosed.”

“Disclosed by whom? Her lying self?” – injected Raven with venom.

“Do you think me that much of an amateur, Reyes?” – shot Indra back. – “We have a good reason to believe that she is cooperating with us because she has nothing to hide. And before you start questioning my abilities again, we have hard evidence as well as multiple witness statements to back her story, so you might wanna give it a go and hear her out.”

Well, shit, Indra didn’t just look scary, she also sounded scary.

“Miss Greene?” – she turned to Costia.

“Right. I am not sure if everyone is up to date with the case…” – her eyes trailed to me, briefly stopping on Lexa’s hand in mine.

“She doesn’t need to know all the details.” – said Indra, and Costia seemed to understand what that meant.

“So. As you may remember the mission was to get enough evidence against James De Marco to prove his involvement in human trafficking and dealing drugs so we can send him behind bars, before any more people died – one way or another.” – the others nodded in unison. – “The first few months were though, and I could barely get anywhere near the guy. I wasn’t important enough, but one of their IT guys went MIA – later I found out that De Marco killed him – and it opened up a new possibility for getting closer. He may have not notice the new undersecretary in the corner, but he definitely noticed the girl who broke a few codes on their server to catch some attention.”

I was squeezing Lexa’s hand hard, feeling like listening to some horror story that starts out mild, only to keep you awake for the rest of the week.

“He took interest, and although, we try any other way before turning to this one, his attraction seemed to be the only one working for our case.”

“Did you fuck the prime suspect and had his kid?!” – Lexa burst our and Costia seemed to first back away, but before I realised what was happening she fired back, and suddenly I could understand how such a fragile looking girl could handle such a tough job.

“Don’t act like you don’t know how this works Lex. When we are on a mission, we put our humanity in a box deep within our soul and we do what we have to do to lock up the monsters out there, and we become monsters if we have to in order to make sure that the innocents of our world can seep safely in their beds. We survive first, and then we get our humanity back. You know this!” – she said loudly. - "I will not apologise for the existence of my daughter." - she added for good measure.

And my heart broke seeing the crestfallen expression on both Lexa and Raven`s face, the shadow of a million-faced ghost swimming across their features. Then and there did I realise just how little I know about doing a job like they had done.

“So yes, I slept with him. And I reported it as soon as I could, but the response was to carry on, so I did.”

“Who gave the order?” – asked Lexa much calmer, although she seemed like she already knew the answer.

“Jaha.”

Raven let out a shaky breath, but didn’t say anything.

“I thought the team knew what was going on, and I expected to be pulled out as soon as possible, but after a month I still heard nothing. When I found out I was pregnant, I panicked, but there was no way I could walk away without an extraction team.” – if Lexa’s face was anything to go by, this was going in a very bad direction. – “I did the only thing I could, and told Jaha that I was going to use the Extraction code and to let you guys know to be ready.”

She sighed, and she seemed like she didn’t believe it herself that back then she thought someone would come and get her.

“First he said I had to wait, that the team was not available, and I had to sit tight. More than a month went by, me playing along with De Marco, when suddenly Jaha showed up at the headquarters. He requested a meeting with me, and he walked around like he owned the place. Then and there I knew I was screwed.” – Costia laughed out bitterly.

“Did he offer you a good deal? That is why you stayed then?” – asked Raven, although with less malice than before.

“Hah, you joking.” – the humourless laugh sent shivers down my spine – not the good kind. – “He ordered me to tell him my extraction code.” – while talking Costia slowly dragged her fingers over her other arm over the scarred skin that I was only noticing covered most of her lower arms.

“You didn’t tell him.” – Lexa whispered.

“Of course not. He wanted my help to stage the assassination of my entire team.”

“So why didn’t he just kill you like he did with so many others?” – Raven was not easy to convince. – “You had to have something to offer.”

“De Marco.” – she said quietly. – “He found out about Lexi by accident.” – more than one heads snapped up at that, but Costia ignored them. – “He may be a monster, but he is an ambitious one. When he figured out that I won’t play along in getting what he wanted” – her eyes briefly wandered from the carpet to Lexa – “he wanted to torture it out of me, but when I begged for him not to kill the baby he stopped. From then on nobody was allowed to physically hurt me. He wanted the kid to be healthy and ready for him to teach. He wanted a replacement and as long as Lexi was too small a whiney, I was useful to have around. He gave me a choice: either die or play a part in his games, and live together with my daughter. So I stayed, and tried to use all my FBI skills to get us out of there safely.”

“Why didn’t you try to reach us?” – asked Lexa brokenly.

“At the time I had no clue there was still anyone out there I could trust.” – she said honestly.

“Not even me?” – Lexa whispered.

Costia sighed, and as hard it was for me to admit, there was only love for Lexa in her eyes.

“By the time I wrapped my head around everything, Jaha informed De Marko that you were gone, practically fell off the face of the Earth.” – she smiled sadly. – “That was when I knew that I lost you. I always wondered how they staged my death, because I was sure there was no other way for them to stop you looking.”

Lexa took a few shuttering breaths, trying to calm herself as everything she believed to be true in the last 3 years came crashing down.

“What was he after?” – Lexa asked after a while, and Costia new exactly who she meant..

She hesitated the first time during her story, glancing at Indra. She nodded, and Costia took a deep breath looking Lexa square in the eye.

“You!”


	16. Set it free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Costia reveals why DeMarco is so interested in Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long break, but I hope you like the new chapter :)  
> Let me know what you think!

„You” 

Lexa stared at her confused, and even Raven seemed to be lost for words, or at least she didn’t have any snarky comments to that.

“What do you mean _me_?” – asked Lexa.

Costia glanced at Indra again, who nodded once more.

“Neither the FBI, nor any other agency has any information about DeMarco from before he was 16. So for records and legal purposes he did not exist as a child.”

“Right, Benjamin Button in the flash, huh?” – Raven found her voice.

“Of course not!” – snapped Costia, finally getting annoyed by Raven’s interruptions. – “He was a runaway, and if looked carefully you can find all kinds of rather irrelevant happy records of him being born, up until his parent’s death when he was 12. The lost 4 years and all that came with it created the identity of DeMarco, but his happy childhood and his misconceptions of family and belonging are the real motivations behind his actions.”

“What dos that have to do with me?” – demaded Lexa.

“He is the younger son of Titus Faya Sr. His original name is James Faya.”

Raven’s expression was close to the one she usually wore when she tried to come up with a more elaborate explosion plan for controlled avalanches on the mountain, and you could tell the exact moment she got the solution. She turned to Lexa with wide eyes, but Lexa was staring unblinkingly at Costia.

She didn’t need a minute to think where she might have heard that name before.

While it seemed like everyone got on the same page, I just sat there completely dumbfounded, and the meaningful expression on Costia’s face told me that this was some kind of information from Lexa’s past that I had no idea about.

Indra decided to break the awkward silence, and to enlighten me – probably out of pity, if that woman was capable of such thing.

“Yes, DeMarco is the half-brother of your father.” – she clarified looking at Lexa.

“What… What does he want from me?” – Lexa asked finally, only looking at Costia.

“Family, alliance, a sort of belonging. Technically something that every orphaned child wants one way or another.”

“Touching” – mumbled Raven.

“When James lost his parents he believed that his big brother would take him in. The little rebel he was, he didn’t wait for the authorities to take him, but set off on his own to find Titus. Only to find an abandoned girlfriend and a baby on the way. He thought Titus wanted nothing to do with him and that was the last time James Faya was seen.”

I kept watching Lexa’s face while listening to Costia, but it slowly transformed into a hard mask and many of the stories of the harsh, empty look of the Commander came to life in front of my eyes.

“Truth is, that once Titus found out about the death of his father and step-mother he tried to find James but found nothing. Not long after you were born he even went to talk to your mother about both James and the possibility of seeing you.” – Costia said carefully, but Lexa was not even reacting. – “Your mother refused, and a few years later, when James came looking for you again, hoping to create some kind of a family-bond with his niece, you were gone.”

“I was already in the system.” – Lexa whispered.

“Yes. He even went to find your father, but it turned out that he had the same luck trying to reach out once again. He figured your mother decided to move, it was only years later that they found out more about you.”

“Like my name, or that I was actually a girl?” – Lexa was frustrated and she, although gently, but pushed my had away.

“Yes. By then James has built an empire and became a very powerful player in Baltimore. He believed that he can make up for lost time, and that he can easily manipulate a 15 year old girl, who has been abandoned just like he had been. Titus, supported by his wife moved everything possible to find you before James, and eventually convinced Gustus that you guys had to move.”

“That is why we moved to New York?” – Lexa was clearly shocked by her father’s involvement.

Costia nodded and continued.

“Titus’ meddling saved you from James, and by the time he found you again, you were already in the Academy.”

“So why on Earth does he still want anything from Lexa? Isn’t it obvious that she and DeMarco are on opposite sides?” – interrupted Raven with such an even voice that I had to check if my fuming friend was still in the room.

“He falsely believes in the notion of family over everything. Just like any other child that has been through major trauma and lost stability at a vulnerable age, he built up an imaginary and not necessarily realistic world in which he can have the resemblance of what he always wanted.” – Costia turned to Raven for the first time, and addressed her explanation face to face. – “He believes that regardless how Lexa was raised, he can get to her because they are family, and on some level they went through similar things.”

“He cannot be that stupid!” – huffed Raven.

“It is not rational. He didn’t have the same options as most orphaned children. While others might be lonely, they are still part of society and thus form various bonds with other people that helps them learn how to cope with their loss. James went from a child to a criminal who could not afford to trust anyone.”

“Why are you defending him?” – asked Lexa quietly.

“I am not!” – said Costia rather quickly. – “I am a psychologist, and I am damn good at profiling. He is a textbook case and understanding the underlying causes helped me survive.”

“Ah, your sympathy sex must have been worth his while.” – and sarcastic, unapologetic Raven was on the scene again. – “Your story might have some truth to it, but you could have left out your Stockholm Syndrome-driven sobstory from the end.”

Before Costia could respond Indra suddenly stood.

“I think it is time for a break!” – she said loudly, and Raven was up and out of her seat in no time, heading for the stairs – probably to find Anya.

I didn’t really know what to think, or if I was even allowed to have an opinion, but with Lexa still looking at Costia I thought I better occupy myself with making some more coffee. As I moved to collect the mugs from the coffee table I felt Lexa shift and stand, probably to help, but as she stood, Costia came in to view and I watched in slow motion as she gingerly took hold of Lexa’s arm, with begging eyes for attention.

I practically bolted for the kitchen, leaving Lexa and her ex in an empty living room. Their proximity, the way one minute they walked on eggshells just to explode the next made me uncomfortable. If I wanted to be completely honest, their tension and chemistry took me off-guard. 

By the time the coffee was done and I peeked into the living room, Lexa was gone and Costia was just heading for the stairs too, probably to check on Lexi.  
I found Lexa in the garden, leaning against the wall. She looked up as I approached and smiled weakly.

“Hey!”

“Hey! How are you holding up?” – I asked carefully.

“It is a lot to take in.”

I almost laughed. Mainly at my own irony. Because up until now Costia was just a ghost, even less real than Finn and yet within a few weeks she crashed our lives and I couldn’t even be mad at her. The woman sacrificed everything to protect the girl I was in love with. How do you compete with that?

“And you?” – Lexa turned to me. – “This cannot be easy to hear.”

“I am fine. I just want to make sure you know I am here not matter what.” – I said, although it felt like lying. I simply didn’t have the words to describe how I felt and she was certainly not the person who needed one more thing to worry about. – “I’ll bring up some food and juice for the little one.” – I said, leaving Lexa to her thoughts with a soft kiss.

I almost run into Costia on my way back to the kitchen, and I was sure she saw us out there. But she didn’t say anything other than thanking me for the hospitality towards both her and her daughter.

***

As I got closer to Aden’s room I heard Raven and Anya murmuring and through the slightly ajar door I could see Lexi crawled up in Aden’s bed, sound asleep.

“I am still confused.” – whispered Raven, while Anya stroked her back, listening tentatively. – “I want to be mad at her, but this crazy story…” – she trailed off.

“I know, but maybe the story is how it happened. Shouldn’t you give the benefit of the doubt to a fellow agent?” – Anya tried to be the voice of reason.

Raven seemed to think about it, and that was exactly why I loved my two crazies together: Anya was the only person that brought this Raven out. The one who listened and considered things before lashing out.

“If she is right, that is way too scary.” – Raven was barely audible now.

“Why?”

“Because it means that I would have done the same.”

In my ears the overheard conversation between Lexa and Raven played and I understood at least one of their fears in this mess. How could Raven be against Costia if she finds it in hear heart to see that this might have been the only choice?

“But no matter what, Costia cannot stay! – Raven’s much firmer whisper brought me back from my thoughts.

“Why not?” – asked Anya surprised.

“This is the same woman that Lexa bought an engagement ring for! Do you really want her back in her life? In Clarke’s life?

Raven looked pointedly at Anya, who, by the looks of it, had no idea about any ring.

Lexi decided to wake up in that moment, leaving the conversation hanging, and after the few moments it took me to control my racing heart I deemed it safe to enter with my goodies on the tray.

***

The rest of the conversation went smoothly, going over some details that I did not even try to follow any more. All the information was squirming and twirling in my head, making it very difficult to even pretend to pay attention.

Lexa was invested in finding out all the small details Costia could offer, and even Raven took a step back to listen instead of criticize. I caught Indra Looking at me from time to time, but her face was unreadable, and I was more occupied with my own problems than trying to figure out what she might think of me.

By the end of the afternoon they seemed to discuss enough to call it a day, and since Costia was staying in town, they had time to come up with multiple plans to handle DeMarco. At least I was sure that after finding all this out, they will want to be part of taking the man down.

Costia and Lexi left with Indra, and Anya helped me clean up in the living room, while raven went outside, most likely to busy herself with some explosive-related project that can take her mind off of everything.

It was not only them who came up with a plan, but me too. Seeing what I saw and hearing what I heard, there was only one – very painful and selfless – thing left for me to do. 

I walked Lexa out to the front door, and I was still not sure what to say.

“Do you wanna come over?” – Lexa asked cautiously, which meant she noticed how quiet I had been in the second part of the day.

“I don’t think that is a good idea.”

She cocked her head like a puppy and it made my decision even harder.

“I think we should take a step back.” – it literally hurt me to say those words.

“What? Because of Costia? – she was surprised and I didn’t blame her. – “There is nothing there, Clarke, she is my past, that is it. Like Finn is yours.”

“Except Finn is not here, and he never will be. But Costia is. Can’t you see? She hasn’t betrayed you. You can’t possibly say that all your feelings are in order after all this revelation!”

I could see it in her eyes that she was taken aback, but I knew that she had not time or possibility to consider everything that comes with Costia being alive.

“I am not saying that, but I know what I want!” – she fought back, and I had to go deeper to make her see that she needed time to figure it all out.

Because I was not breaking my own heart out of goodwill for Costia, but because I needed Lexa to be a 100% sure about me. Or her.

And she couldn’t possibly be unbiased and let’s face it, selfish to make the right choice if I was hovering by her shoulder the entire time. She had to have a distance, maybe even a chance to reconcile with Costia. She needed to lose me in order to be sure, that she wanted me.

“She is not a random ex that run away too early. She is the woman you once wanted to spend the rest of your life with. You owe it to her, and to yourself to find out if that ring still has meaning, Lex.”

She was frozen in place, a mix of hurt, surprise and wonder on her face. I leaned in, and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek before closing the door and collapsing against it. I heard her fading footsteps and the car door closing, and only then did I let my sobs fill the house. Anya and Raven came running and ended up holding me while I cried for my broken heart, for Lexa’s strained and bleeding one and even for Costia’s loyal and hollow one. And my girls held me, not even knowing what I have just done. 

But I had to set her free. And hoped, that she would return.


	17. I'm not sure what I'm doing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is dealing with the aftermath of her decision on her own way

To say that I felt like crap was an understatement. After I run out of tears completely, I retreated to my room and fell into a restless sleep. When I first woke it was already dark, and I found my baby boy safely tucked in in his bed. The dim light downstairs suggested that someone was still up, and, although I didn’t exactly feel like talking, I was too hungry to go back to sleep.

Anya was sitting on the kitchen counter in her nightgown, scrolling through her phone and sipping tea. She looked up when she heard my footsteps and smiled softly.

“Hey! Felling better?”

I didn’t have to use words for her to see that I didn’t. Her face dropped the smile and took an understanding and serious expression.

“I know what you did. And I can’t tell you how proud I am of you. It must have been the hardest thing to do.”

I just stood there, not really sure what to say, so I just asked what I thought I probably knew the answer for already.

“How do you know?”

“Raven. She went over to Lexa’s after you went upstairs… You know, to check on her. I mean it was already hard on them both, aaaand” – she hesitated. – “she wanted to know what she did to have you in that state.”

“She didn’t do anything.” – I mumbled, part of me still looking for any reason to take back all that happened and convince myself that I could just guilt-trip Lexa into staying with me.

“Yeah, she found that out halfway through her mantra about Lexa being a bitch.” – smiled Anya.

“What?” – my head snapped to her face but she wasn’t joking.

“Do you think Rae doesn’t have your back when you need her?” – Anya asked amusedly.

“No, I know she does. But with … her best friend on the other end?”

Anya kept smiling.

“She doesn’t mind kicking anyone in the butt for you. She has a weirdly strong sense of right and wrong.”

I had to agree to that. 

Soon we both went to sleep – or to bed at least.

***

The next week I did everything to enforce my decision of giving Lexa space. That included recruiting my entire family to be Aden’s chaperones to and back from school. They all obliged without complaints, and only the small looks between them when they thought I didn’t see them gave away that Raven told them everything.

It was the following Wednesday that forced me to change my new routine as nobody was available to take Aden to school. I was determined to drive up to the front door, and watch him go inside from the driver’s seat, hoping that Lexa was either occupied with another parent or inside, sorting kids.

With my nerves playing a big role in the matter, we rolled up in front of the school way too early, and had to sit in the car for a good 10 minutes before the first teacher arrived to open the door. Not wanting Aden to sit there all by himself, we waited in the car until at least some of his friends arrived.

I watched a – surprisingly good looking – dad say bye to his daughter in a very fashionable way – looked like a secret handshake, while Aden provided the names for the girl.

“That’s Nira. She is new. She is nice, I can play chess with her.”

He didn’t seem to pay much attention to the dad, and I followed his train of thoughts about Chess. He must have been missing Wells if he cared to find out if any of his classmates knew how to play.

His commentary on the arriving people suddenly faded away as my eyes caught sight of Lexa a few cars down the road. My heart started to beat super fast and made a painful jolt as another person came into view.

Costia placed a soft kiss on Lexa’s cheek, who smiled softly, before ruffling the hair on a tiny head just by their knees. Costia started walking towards the door of the kindergarten with Lexi still grinning widely back at Lexa.

“Moooom? MOOOM?” – I barely register Aden tugging at my sleeve. – “Miss Woods is here, can I go now?”

I nodded numbly, and whispered a ‘have a nice day’ before he raced out of his seat to greet Lexa, who looked up at his noisy exit and locked eyes with me for a second. First she seemed to realise what I must have just seen, but she scolded her face into a sort of defiance before forcing a smile on her face to greet Aden.

If she looked back up at me, I will never know, as I practically raced away from the school as fast as I dared to drive among all the arriving kids.

But with Lexa as Aden’s teacher, I could not avoid her forever. We had a scheduled parent-team vs teacher meeting planned for Friday to discuss school trips and extracurricular activities for the upcoming semester, and I was not willing to miss out on it, no matter how much I wanted to stay away from Lexa.

So I gritted my teeth and took a seat in the back of the classroom, hoping that I can remain almost invisible. Soon after the little girl, Nira’s dad took a seat next to me, mumbling a hello.

Lexa stood in front of the parents squeezed into tiny chairs and greeted us.

“Welcome everyone. I can see everyone came prepared, notpads, pens… impressive parenting.” – she joked and most over-proud moms giggled.

I was almost frustrated how she can always charm just about everyone, when I heard a quiet huff from next to me, and for the first time since Costia’s arrival, I smiled as the guy on my right scratched his head, looking around, and seeing that he was the only one without any papers or pens in front of him.

I silently tore off the top layer of my notepad and placed it on his desk along with my extra pen.

“Thanks!” – he whispered. – “It is usually my sister coming to these kind of things.” – he added as an explanation.

“Don’t worry about it.” – and for some reason I felt lighter knowing that I did not solely focus on Lexa today.

We came to agreements on all of Lexa’s topics and I was relieved that I survived the afternoon. As soon as she dismissed the parents, a handful of moms launched themselves at Lexa, giving me plenty of time to slide out of the room unnoticed.

I almost got a minor heart-attack when a hand grabbed my arm, and I half expected Lexa to have somehow escaped the moms. But it was the dad, holding up my pen with a thankful smile.

“I just wanted to that for the supplies.” – he smiled, and it surprised me that I noticed how handsome he was. – “I am Gabriel by the way, or just Gabe. My daughter just started here a few weeks ago.” – he introduced himself.

“Oh, yeah. Nira, right? Aden mentioned her a few times.” – I said smiling, recalling Aden’s mantra that morning about what a great chess game they played the other day.

“Aden is your kid? I think Nira has a crush on him or something.” – grinned Gabe.

“Haha, I think they is just excited they found someone who is willing to play chess with them. Raven all but banned the chessboard from the living room at home.”

“Raven?” – he asked.

“His aunt by day, criminal associate by night.”

He seemed to relax a bit, and it took me a second to realise that he was testing the waters. It was first person I mentioned apart from Aden, and he subtly tried to find out if it was a significant other.

I was determined to somehow let him know that I was not interested, when I caught sight of Costia walking through the hall. She could have easily been just a late parent trying the shortcut through the school to the kindergarten, but I was already paranoid about her and Lexa. And the high-schooler in me came out to play when Gabe asked me if I wanted to have coffee with him, to talk about a possible play-date for our kids.

“Sure, why not?” – I answered and put my number in his phone with determination.

If Lexa can get over us in such short time, that I am sure as hell going to try to do the same.

***

The Saturday coffee with Gabe went surprisingly well. Once I managed to calm my nerves I found that he was extremely easy to talk to. In many ways he was the opposite of Lexa. He was a writer, and he has been travelling half his life to incredible places. He was admittedly a bit messy but he believed in living life with passion and giving in to chance instead of reason a lot of times. The mom in me wanted to argue, but once he added that it has changed drastically since his daughter was born I didn’t really have any arguments.

And before I knew it I agreed to have dinner with him the following weekend.

I didn’t even dare to tell this development to anyone, partly because I had no clue what I was doing. He was clearly interested, and I did nothing to discourage him.

By Wednesday I was determined to cancel on Gabe, when I overheard Raven and Anya in the kitchen.

“What does she think she is doing?” – I hear Anya’s frustrated voice.

“Nothing wrong!” – came Raven’s forced-low defensive answer. – “She just doesn’t want the kid to have to live in a hotel room. There is plenty of room at her place for all of them.”

“That is not what I meant and you know it.” – I don’t remember hearing Anya being this upset for a long time. – “She should be working on herself, getting some distance, figuring stuff out and then come back _here_ , not playing house.”

Oh. 

They were talking about Lexa. And Costia. Living together at Lexa’s.

I felt like smashing the wall, but instead I took my phone and deleted the message I managed to come up with in the last half an hour for Gabe, deleted it and quickly typed _I can’t wait for Friday’_.

I hit send.

***

I knew that Friday Raven was taking Aden and Oli to an ice-hockey game with Anya and I played nice and homey until they left the house. I quickly jumped in the shower and took on an old dress that I was grateful I could still fit in and scrabbled a note for them that I went out.

Grabbed a bottle of vine and was ready just in time for my taxi.

Gabe was cooking when I arrived, and he offered me a glass of vine while I waited. That helped to ease my nerves a little, and soon I found myself completely enthralled in conversation with him. I learned more about him that I normally learned in month about others, he wasn’t shy, if anything he was brutally honest.  
And when he kissed me, all I could think was that this is exactly what I needed. Someone like Gabe meant a way to move on without – I believed – any attachments or complications.

The evening developed into something I did not expect, and part of me was too eager to continue. He was a huge contrast to Lexa, but that made him the perfect candidate. In no time I fund myself laying on my back in only my underwear with Gabe shirtless on top of me. He had a six pack, which, for a writer and a dad, was really hot.  
But when he gently palmed my breast I froze, my brain finally catching up with reality.

“Hey! You okay?” – he asked softly. – “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want.” 

And although it sounded a little cliché he drew back completely, giving me more than enough space to bolt.

“No. It… it’s just.” – I mumbled, not sure what to say.

“Clarke.” – he started even softer. – “I do not expect anything other than this moment. I like you but I have a kid, who must come first and I am not ready for anything serious right now. I kind of got the feeling that you are feeling the same way?” – he hesitated.

And I did feel the same way.

“So you don’t expect all the lovey-dovey stuff and moving in together next week?” – I tried to joke weakly.

“I think I am done with lovey-dovey stuff for good.” – he smiled, appreciating my effort, but still not coming any closer.

“You don’t believe in that?” – I asked before I could stop myself.

“I did.” – Gabe answered honestly. – “But I think there is only one true love for everyone, and mine was my wife. But I am young, and I would like to think that just because I lost her, I don’t have to go through life all alone.”

His words resonated deeply with how I felt – or at least how I thought I felt. At this point I couldn’t really pinpoint whether I though Finn was my one true love or Lexa. But I lost them both, one way or another, and so Gabe seemed to offering a reasonable solution.

With newly found determination I reached out for him, stroking his abs, encouraging him to lean closer, only to find that chivalry was not dead after all.

“Are you sure?” – he asked, still keeping an arm’s length between us.

Instead of answering I sat up and encircled his neck to bring his lips into another kiss.

He and I could both feel the finality of it. Once we broke out of the trance, we both knew that this was not going to go anywhere. So instead, he opted for lying down next to me and hear my story out. 

It was a strange way of making new friends, but I had the feeling that Gabe might become a permanent addition to our lives.

I knew I will be interrogated in the morning by Raven and Anya, but I was still so mad at Lexa for simply walking away from me and inviting Costia in her home – even if I encouraged her to consider all her options – that I was strongly considering giving everyone a vague description of my night with Gabe, making sure to be suggestive enough.

I would rather they think whatever they wanted that be on the receiving end of the pitying looks once again.

I fell asleep in Gabe’s strong embrace, feeling more hopeful of the future than I did that morning.


	18. Is there still an us?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> this is gonna be a longer chapter, with a lot happening, I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Let me know what you think :)

As predicted I woke up feeling incredibly guilty. Even if we didn’t end up having sex, I felt mortified, that I let things go this far. 

I was grateful that I was alone in Gabe’s bedroom, so I could get dressed and feel at least half human before I had to face him. When I entered the kitchen he was quietly humming to himself, making breakfast, and I just stood there awkwardly, not sure how to proceed.

“Don’t make it weird, Griffin!” – he called out without even looking at me, although a smile was creeping up on his face.

“Sorry.” – I mumbled, cheek reddening way too quickly.

We ate in silence, sipping coffee and , in my case, avoiding eye-contact.

“Look!” – he started when he finished his eggs. – “Nothing happened, that you should feel ashamed of. We tested the waters, and got the results back as _friends_. None of us cheated, and none of our kids got hurt. So I would say it was a more or less mature way of going at things. I mean we even talked.” – he grinned at me.

And he was right. Lexa and I were not together. Even if it felt that we were, we never got to that point of being a couple. Neither Aden nor Nira has been involved and nothing irreversible happened that would affect their friendship.

“I know. I still have to come up with something to tell the nosy babysitters back home.” – I made a face as I was slipping into my coat.

“You tell them whatever you want. Just text me if there are some parts that you went vogue about.” – he winked, like he knew that right now it felt really appealing to be suggestive, rather than telling them my failed attempt to push Lexa to the back of my mind – not like I could actually do that.

The drive home felt shorter than it actually was and I entered our house with a feeling mildly resembling ‘the walk of shame’. I had the feeling that no matter how early I came back home, I would not be able to get past the kitchen before someone would question me and I was right.

“Morning, sunshine!” – came Raven’s overly sweet voice.

“Rae!”

“Where’ve you been?” – Raven kept the sing-song voice.

“Just met the parents of Aden’s friend.” – my bravado did not come inside with me, so now I really just wished I came home before they got back from the game. – “I got convinced to drink some wine so I decided to crash instead of driving home.” – that part was not a complete lie, we did have wine.

“The only parents you are even talking to are the Blakes and I know for a fact that they were on a double date with Linc and O, since we got Oli. And Aden has like one friend.” – Raven was still smiling at me like I had no chance of talking myself out of this.

“He is friends with Nira. They are playing chess together.” – this was my last hope.

And Raven considered it, thank god.

“Hm, he did mention this girl a few times.” – I was nodding enthusiastically, trying to look like I just made my point. – “Alright, Griff, the drilling is over, but I am watching you.” – she pointed at her eyes then at me and left, and I exhaled, hoping that this was the end of the story.

***

I spent the rest of the weekend with Aden and we prepared for the class-trip that was happening next Friday. I was one of the 6 chaperones who were assigned to the trip, and I found it both calming and unsettling that Gabe was one of the other 5.

We kept texting about small things, and he reminded me of Wells a little. After just a few days all my awkward feeling was gone, and I could really tease and joke with him as friends do – he didn’t want anything else from me and it felt nice to make a new friend after so many years (Anya was right, I needed friends on my own).

It still didn’t help that I had to spend the day with him _and_ Lexa, but that was not Gabe’s fault. Lexa and I had not spoken to each other over a month. Ever since I told her to go and figure out her feelings for Costia.

And from where I was standing, she made her choice – living with Costia and her daughter, driving to school together, and lastly, never coming back for even a conversation with me made it clear (or as clear as it can be without actually communicating) that she made a decision.

When we arrived at the school, Gabe and Nira were already there, and it warmed my heart as I watched Aden run over to her and start happily chatting about all the cool things they were excited about.

As I reached them in a more orderly fashion than Aden, Gabe leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek, accompanied by a cheeky smile.

“Morning, you want some coffee?” – his suggestive tone made my eyebrows rise. – “I hear the Irish know how to make a mean coffee.” – he whispered, wiggling his eyebrows.

Of course, Irish coffee. What else do you need to start a daytrip with a bunch of five-year-olds.

I took a sip anyway and I shivered furiously at the amount of whiskey in it.

“Are you crazy?!” – I whispered loudly, while swatting his arm playfully.

I only caught Lexa’s watching eye while he was laughingly giving me a half hug and started dragging me after our kids. Her face was a full display of the Commander’s demeanour.

The trip was well designed, so the kids were entertained well enough that we didn’t have much else to do than keep a half-eye on them. I kept company with Gabe and another mom, who turned out to be cooler than I thought. The three of us shared Gabe’s second batch of Irish coffee and evidently, we got caught by no other than Lexa.

I wasn’t sure if normally she would scold parents for such behaviour, but this time, she simply took the thermos with a stone-cold expression and that was it. Apart from the feeling of being closely watched for the rest of the trip.

“Hey!” – I heard from behind me as I buckled my half-asleep son into his seat in the car. – “Got a second?” – it was Lexa.

I nodded, not sure what was coming.

“Drinking on a school-trip for five-year-olds? This is not you.” – she did get to the scolding after all.

“It was a little spiked coffee. Nobody else even noticed.”

“That is not the point!” – she was angry. – “It is so inappropriate, and you expect me to just slide over it?”

“Considering that you didn’t feel the need to talk to any of the other parents, I think it is safe to say that yes. I thought you can let it go and accept it that adults can make this kind of decisions while taking the kids into consideration.”

“I will get to them too.” – she was being defensive, but I knew she was right – at least a little.

“Fine. It won’t happen again.” – I said and before she could respond, I shut the driver’s door and started my car.

I knew driving off like that was a shitty move, but I could barely handle her proximity, and the fact that the first conversation we had in over a month was her lecturing me… well, that was also just shitty.

***

Life was never known for slowing down for un-complicating my life, so things just kept coming my way in unexpected ways.

Barely a few days after the trip I found Raven and Anya in the living room, looking like Raven was there on Anya’s order. And that could only mean that Raven had to break some news to me that she was reluctant to do.

“What’s up weirdoes?” 

Raven gulped and I already knew I would not like what was coming.

“So Indra got the green light for a more broad investigation of Costia’s case.” – she started hesitantly. – “Of course it still has to be as much under the radar as possible. Only a handful of people are cleared to be involved.”

“That is great?” – I pitched in when she seemed to be taking a break from talking.

“Yeah, yeah, it is.” – she agreed, glancing at Anya.

“Spit it out, Reyes!” – I said before Anya had to intervene.

“Fine. Indra cleared most of our team. You know, Kite, Goggles…” – she trailed off, knowing I got the picture. – “They are all coming here to work with Lexa, Costia and I.” – it still sounded just fine to me, until the trademark Anya-elbow nugget Raven. – “Andiofferedtohavethemhere.” – Raven breathed out in one.

“What do you mean to have them here?” – I asked suspiciously.

“I offered our guestrooms for the 4 of them and our house to be the headquarters of the investigation.” – mumbled Raven dejectedly.

“What?”

“We needed a place where they could stay undetected. It is already enough to have Lexa and me officially living in Arcadia – that is more agent per neighbourhood than ideal, let alone including Costia and four more agents.”

“So you thought it would be a good idea to bring the investigation of one of the most wanted criminals into the home of my five-year-old son? A kid, who has playdates over and goes through all of our stuff on a regular basis looking for papers to draw on?”

“I know it is not ideal, but Aden knows not to touch important stuff, you have all kinds of medical things around that he never even goes near.”

“Yeah, they are locked away safely, Raven. And it is not criminal records that will probably be scattered all over the house, considering and entire squad will be handling them. Am I also safe to assume that it includes Costia and Lexa in my living room every afternoon? And Lexi? And an occasional Indra?”

I was furious.

“I suggested to bring one of the team’s tent so we would not be technically in the house.” – Raven’s voice was barely a whisper under my death glare.

“Because a military tent in the backyard is not suspicious at all…”

“We could put up the big family-tent, and tell the neighbours that it is for Aden and Oli. tHe nice weather is coming up.” – chimmed in Anya, clearly trying to save Raven.

“Yeah!” – Raven all but jumped to the opportunity. – “It is big enough, and it is easier to keep the kids out of. We can convene in the house but keep the papers in the tent, away from Aden.”

I sighed.

“Do I even have a say in this?” – I had a feeling.

“They are flying in in three days.”

***

The team was not what I expected. Monty and Jasper were best described as nerds, Harper seemed too nice to be an FBI agent (although looks surprised me before) and Monroe had way too many weapons for my liking. The odd group however seemed tight-knit and somehow Raven fit right in with them.

They were all trying not to step on my toes, played nice with Aden – and seemed genuinely happy to get to know Finn’s son.

The first time I really got to see them work was that Friday. I managed to get away from work around lunch-time, curtesy of my brand new colleague, Jackson, who, with my mother’s recommendation in hand, started working with me two weeks before. I was eternally grateful for him, as I finally felt like the million and one hour of overtime can slowly be reduced.

So I happily opened the door to my house, to find our new guests and Costia sitting between piles of papers and in front of fancy-looking laptops in my living room.

“Hey Clarkey!” – came Raven’s happy voice from behind a shaky looking document pile. – “You are home early!” – she said while trying to get up from the floor.

“Yeah, Jackson practically kicked me out of the office.” – I smiled.

“You hungry?” – came Harper’s voice from the kitchen.

“You cooked?” 

“I did. You can’t afford to feed these morrons take away all the time. And it is pretty suspicious to have that amount of food delivered to a family home on a regular basis.” – she winked.

“Go on!” – encouraged Monty. – “She is pretty good at it.”

I returned with my plate only to witness Costia’s outburst over a piece of paper.

“Who the hell can get anything worthy out of these damn doctor jubbre-jabbres? Why can’t we get a low key medical expert on the case already?” – she was fuming. – “I mean, they staged _my_ death with blood and some fake bones, and we can’t even tell from this nonsense if the forensics reported it, or they were ordered to fake the documentation.”

Indra, who just got back into the room with a phone in hand waited our patiently until Costia’s rant was over.

“As I said it before, we don’t have enough medical expert with the right clearances to begin with. And it means that most of them juggle 4-5 cases at a time. It makes it really hard to clear them from Jaha. I am working on it, but until we can find at least one what can be proven not to be involved, suck it up!”

“Unless…!” – started Raven with a smile that suggested no good. – “What if we had a medical expert with international clearances?”

“I doubt you can just run into someone with so high allowances.” – said Jasper sceptically.

“Well, is Scotland Yard kind of clearance high enough for ya?” 

I knew where she was going, and I wasn’t sure I liked it.

“Well, Scotland Yard is not associated with any of the questionable cases, so technically someone with overseas allowances could be considered.” – said Indra slowly.

Raven was widely grinning at me at this point.

“Ladies and gentleman, let me introduce you Dr Griffin here, who wrote her PhD with the Scotland Yard on manipulating medical devices and medical reports for criminal purposes. She worked for their forensic team for another 3 years after that. Is that high enough clearance for ya, bitches?”

Most of the people looked at me stunned while Indra was deep in thought.

“Technically, that could work. I need to run some background checks, but we have no reason to suspect interference.” – said Indra while already typing on her cell. – “Are you up for this until we find a better solution?” – she turned to me, like she almost forgot to actually ask me.

“I suppose..” – I was hesitant.

“We will make sure it interferes the least possible with your time with Aden.” – she added.

I nodded.

“I do need some checks, but you could at least help Costia with that report. It is not classified.” – added Indra and left the room.

I hesitantly stepped towards Costia, who, for the first time smiled at me tentatively.

“I know it is weird, but we can bond over my staged death if it helps.” – she smiled.

***

We dag into the reports and I found myself having a great time. Costia was nice enough, Jasper was funny – sometimes a little inappropriate, Monty was the sweetest and all in all I was having a great time, when we heard the front door burst open.

“Hi Moom!” – came Aden’s chirpy voice accompanied by multiple giggles.

Anya came into view with three colourful backpacks in hand.

“We have a playdate.” – she announced with little to no enthusiasm. – “Aden and Nira apparently promised Oli to teach him how to play chess. Nira’s dad gave in when the three of them ambushed him at the front door of the school.”

Anya looked at me a little funny, but considering the audience she said nothing else. I did look for my phone immediately, only to find a couple of texts from Gabe about this. I shoot him a quick apology and that it is of course fine for Nira to come over, and just as I finished the text our door opened again and in no time a rather surprised Lexa stood in the doorway taking in the mess and the unlikely bonding between me and Costia.

For a brief second our eyes met, and I was out of my seat with the speed of light.

“I will watch the kids!” – I announced. – “Unless,” – I trailed off, turning back to Costia. – “do you still need me?”

“Nono, go ahead. Thanks though!” – she smiled softly and I felt Lexa’s eyes on us.

I ended up not only watching the kids but help them first explain the rules to Oli, then play 2 on 2 with them for most of the afternoon. 

We were only interrupted when Anya’s head peaked in Aden’s room.

‘Nira, your dad is here. Time to go.”

“I am coming” – answered Nira, while Anya way watching my reaction.

I looked for my phone immediately, only to see, that yet again, I muted the damn thing, and I missed Gabe’s messages and calls that I could see now he was sending so he didn’t have to face my living-companions. 

I sighed and followed Nira downstairs a little worried. 

Gabe was standing by the doorway making polite conversation with Raven while Lexa was trying – very much just trying- to be polite to one of her kid’s parent. Costia seemed to have a change of heart regarding me as she kept looking between Gabe, Lexa and me.

“Hey, kiddo, ready to go?” – greeted Gabe his daughter.

She nodded and headed for her shoes.

“Hey!” – Gabe turned to me, greeting me with our usual kiss on the cheek. – “I tried to let you know I was over soon.” – he murmured.

“I know. I saw it when Anya said you were here.” – I said feeling stupid.

“I like the 90’s vibe of no cells.” – he grinned teasingly. – “But some awkwardness could have been avoided.” – he glanced at our full living room and paused for a brief second on Lexa before turning to me.

“I know.” – I mumbled as I showed him towards the door.

He left grinning, while Nira waved us goodbye and I barely closed the door when Raven was already playfully attacking me.

“Nira’s _parents_ , huh? He is a single dad, you sneaky little shit.” – she couldn’t drill me much, because as we entered the room I caught Anya’s eye.

I scanned the room for Lexa, but she wasn’t there and when I turned to Anya again, she just said.

“She is in the backyard. She is pissed.”

I wasn’t sure what was going on with Lexa, but I went to the back without hesitation.

She was farther away from the house, and I was painfully aware that her position was in excellent view from the living room.

“What are you doing out here?” – I asked slowly.

“I needed some air.” – she was being short.

“Is there a problem?” – I kept my voice even, but she spun around abruptly anyway.

“No, why would there be?” – she asked venomously. – “I loooove watching your new boy-toy parading around.”

“What the hell are you talking about? Not that it is any of your business, but there is nothing going on between Gabe and I.” – how dare she. Is it okay for me to have to see her and Costia in the same room?

“I thought you cared at least a little bit more about me than to shove it in my face here and at school. It is so unfair, Clarke!”

“You are talking about unfair? You were playing house with your ex within mere days after she showed up in your life again.” – I was close to yelling and it was hard to try to keep my emotions in check.

All the frustration and hurt of the last couple of weeks were pent up and waiting to be released.

“You told me to leave, like it was not enough turmoil to see her again, but you just sent me on my way a couple of hours after she came back! YOU PROMISED TO BE THERE, TO HOLD MY HAND!” – I guess I wasn’t the only one feeling hurt and angry. – “INSTEAD YOU JUST CLOSED THE DOOR ON ME AND FOR WHAT? SO YOU CAN GO AND FUCK SOME LONELY DAD?!”

I didn’t even feel lifting my hand until it connected with her face, cutting her angry rant in half. I took a steady step towards her and looked her dead in the eye.

“How dare you? Not that it concerns you, but nothing happened between me and Gabe, and nothing will.”

“Right.” – she said in a low voice. – “I bet not one kiss or touch was out of place.” – she said sarcastically.

“Just like you did not touch Costia, right?” – I stroke back and the painful realisation of the truth behind it hit me when she started blushing. – “I told you to go and sort out your feelings, Lexa. Because we both needed to know how you felt about the woman you proposed to. The woman who sacrificed everything for you. When you lost her you went off the grind for 2 fucking years!”

She listened for real for the first time.

“We never moved into the whole relationship thing because _Costia’s_ return was dancing on the horizon, and when she did come back, how can you blame me for wanting you to make sure you didn’t still want her. I didn’t ask you to disappear from my life and treat me like a stranger. All I asked to search your own feelings and get back to me.” – I let all my anger leave my body, and eternal sadness took over. – “You never did. You didn’t even come and tell me your decision, just phased me out.”

I didn’t have any more fight in me, so I slowly turned on my heal to leave, when her hand gripped mine, and before I knew it our lips connected in a fiery kiss. She held me tighter than I could remember, and I didn’t fight her embrace, but the last weeks of overwhelming feelings got to me at last, I bit her lip until I drew blood only to graze over it with my tongue. Our bodies pressed together, and our tongues dancing in a fight-like choreography we all but forgot about our audience.

When we broke apart, heaving, she closed her eyes and rested her forehead on mine, and we just stood there, catching our breaths.

“What was that?” – I whispered.

“I don’t know.” – she admitted.

“You still haven’t figured it out, did you?” – she knew I referred to Costia.

“I am sorry.” – she sounded torn.

“Don’t be. You take all the time you need.” – I said softly. – “I am not saying I will be holding your hand the whole way, coz you know, Costia might have an issue with that, but I am here. Don’t shut me out coz I might go and do something stupid.”

“Like make out with single dads?” – she teased.

“It happened one time.”

As we came out of our trance I glanced towards the living room where suddenly everyone pretended to be not watching our live show. 

Except Costia. She was nowhere to be seen.

“I think you owe her an explanation.” – I turned to Lexa who was also scanning the room. – “Go!”

I pressed a soft kiss to her cheek and watched her hurry into the house and after Costia. And yet I felt happier than ever in the last few weeks.


End file.
